Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

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I [Daily Prompt: Fearful Symmetry]

Pick a letter, any letter. Now, write a story, poem, or post in which every line starts with that letter. Photographers, artists, poets: show us SYMMETRY.

via Daily Prompt: Fearful Symmetry.

 

I went to yoga last night after work.  It was fantastic.  I felt so relaxed and didn’t think about anything but my breathing.  I really needed that.  It was tough mentally to get myself to the class but once I was there, I was so glad that I went.  It was tough because it was Hot Vinyasa so it feels like you are exercising in a sauna.  I sweat out all the toxins and even the negative feelings I have had lately.

I plan to go more often again.  It is definitely good for the body and mind.  I am very content today.

Until Then [Daily Prompt: A Bend in Time]

When you’re giddy with excitement, does time speed up? Slow down? Tell us about the experience of anticipation.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us WAITING.

via Daily Prompt: A Bend in Time.

I will let you know when that time comes.  LOL.  But seriously, I will let you know. 😉

Werd… [Daily Prompt: 2100]

The language of the future: what will it be like? Write an experimental post using some imagined vocabulary — abbreviations, slang, new terms.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FUTURE.  via Daily Prompt: 2100.

I have this funny feeling that we will have reverted back to pen and paper because technology will have outdone itself and imploded causing us to lose it and struggle to rebuild.

I will be about 105 years of age.  Hopefully, floating among the clouds in complete bliss and spooking the crap out of my grandchildren as a ghost.

As far as “imagined vocabulary” if the words like “sexting” and “OMG” are being officially added to our dictionary now, there is not much more left to the imagination, we have completed accepted that language is not important enough to have respect for its actual words.  We write and speak with abbreviations because we don’t have the time to tell the truth.

Small Note

I haven’t been blogging as much as usual lately.  I just didn’t really like the daily prompt topics and I wasn’t in the mood I guess.  It happens.

I have a terrible migraine today.  It actually started last night and sleep usually gets rid of it but not today.  Oh well.

I don’t feel like I have anything worth sharing at the moment.  I have or want anything to complain about so I am not going to.

I am hoping I build up enough motivation to write or even just read some poetry today.  I am feeling tired though.  We’ll see.

Thanks! [Daily Prompt: Thank You]

The internet is full of rants. Help tip the balance: today, simply be thankful for something (or someone).  Photographers, artists, poets: show us THANKS.

via Daily Prompt: Thank You.

I just want to thank all the readers who visit my blog and follow it.  I am thankful to share my experiences, my stories and my life with all of you.  I appreciate those who visit without being told, “read my blog”.  You all help me grow as a writer and keep me motivated.  Thank you.

Thanks

Reflections [Daily Prompt: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few]

What’s your biggest regret? How would your life have been different if you’d made another decision?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us TURNING POINT.

via Daily Prompt: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few.

“Regrets, I’ve had a few but then again too few to mention.”Frank Sinatra

Regrets.  Regrets.  Regrets.  I never looked at my decisions as regrets about physical encounters and partying mishaps.  What I do regret are the choices I made within my mind to be the certain ways that I am.  It doesn’t come with birth.  You train yourself at a young age to be who you envision is the person you should be.

I wanted to be strong and prideful like my deceased grandfather, Louie.  I wanted to be unselfish about all that I could because my mother was so selfish.  I didn’t want to give the world a chance on trust because the person I trusted most betrayed me so I made myself believe that no one would ever love me or have good intentions concerning me.  I wanted to be powerful and invincible like my father.  I wanted to be as sexy as I possibly could because I saw the relevance it had on my grandmother, Fanny.  I wanted to be loving and nurturing because my Nonna was so neglected of love and I wanted to show her that there was someone out there who will love her and let her know about it.

I regret not taking the time to know myself because I was more concerning with imitating the strength of members of my family and rebelling against the traits like left scars on me.  I regret not giving myself a chance to be me without someone else’s reflection in the mirror.

I see why I don’t like what I see because it isn’t me.

You Prompt Me [Daily Prompt: A Little Sneaky]

Are writing prompts a useful exercise, or do you find them to be too limiting and/or hokey?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us SNEAKY.

via Daily Prompt: A Little Sneaky.

Writing prompts are definitely a useful exercise.  It really helps to create and write on a topic that  I may not have thought of before.  It is sometimes a challenge when I am not sure how to approach the given topic.  I don’t see how this correlates to being sneaky though.

Speechless [Daily Prompt: I’d Like to Thank My Cats]

You are receiving an award –- either one that already exists, or a new one created just for you. What would the award be, why are you being honored, and what would you say in your acceptance speech?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us VICTORY.

via Daily Prompt: I’d Like to Thank My Cats.

I don’t remember ever being given an award for anything.  Maybe that lack of recognition hinders me from coming up with an award that I would receive.

So vaguely, I would like to be awarded and honored for something I have done in my life that added creativity and value to the world.

I would thank all the people who refused to recognize my talents because that only made me push harder. 

 

Haiku Mystery [Monday Poetry Prompt #17: The Words Within the Picture]

Heather 1902 by Sahm King

Monday Poetry Prompt #17: The Words Within the Picture.

(Write a senryu / haiku about this image.)

History lives here.
Wondering what else resides.
It is not empty.