Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

Ignorance is Bliss

Five months have passed and she doesn’t remember what has happened in between.  She sleeps at night only to dream about everything that will or has occurred in her consciousness.  Her eyes are so tired and her head hangs low as he moves blistfully through his daily routine. 

She used to look at him as he slept, she would get ready for the day and he would lie there hugging his pillow.  Now there is no time for sleep.  They have been running through minutes, hours, days, weeks and now months.  There is never a dull moment anymore. 

She handles things, differently. 

She runs to catch her bus in the morning.  Finds an empty seat and stares out into the world.  A world of restrictions and limitations.  Limit lines that she has created for herself.  She has imprisoned herself to life with boundaries.  Has she given up?  She believes that she will get better.  Only time will tell.  She stares.  Her mind drifts.  She wonders how she can look off into the distance and disappear into a memory or her thoughts of the future, the past or how uncomfortable the bus seats really are.  Her views are jaded, its been really gloomy on and off the forecast.

She listens to the music on her phone, lyrics like, “I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time” sung by Bush, really stay with her.  That’s exactly how she feels.  It has always been the case. Riding along of the winding road of contradictions.

Her thoughts pace back and forth from one ear to the other.  It has never been a better time to “catch the hurt and drop it down before it smacks her in the face.” [J.E.L.L.I.]

She needs to start thinking about her “bullet points” [Mattoos] again.  Wake up and do what is best for her.  Those should be her bullet points to live by, to die for but only time will tell.