Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.


Girls vs Boys [Daily Prompt: No Fair]

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair — and explain how you would rectify it.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FAIR.  via Daily Prompt: No Fair.

I think it is unfair that women take on so much more than men ever have to, we are the stronger beings of the two and yet we are mistreated and prejudged.

Let me back up.  I am not a feminist. I am fine with women being in the kitchen and men doing the hard labor if that’s their choices.  What I am saying is that because women have been given such a negative connotation in the past, it is human nature to form a preconceived judgement towards a women.  Meaning, my argument may be less recognized because I have hormones.  Most of time I am overreacting because of my hormones, right?  Men never react or overreact to anything and all their reactions make sense, right?

Let me also say, it is not all women and men at war but merely my observation of what I have been surrounded by.  It’s best if I give an example or two.

Dating.   Automatically, as a women I assume that the men needs to make the first moves and chase after me.  It feels like it is part of our DNA to do it this way.  Is it in actuality the way things or supposed to be?   Do we need to have rules for every aspect of life?  Can’t we just meet, be honest and take it from there?   Why do we insist on the masculine and feminine games?

Fighting.  If a couple fights and the woman is the one who brought this fight into play but her reasons are completely valid, the man will not take her seriously because A. he never wants to be wrong and B. she always needs to bitch about something.  But if the man brings an argument to light, his reasons are automatically valid, the world must stop because he has been bothered and it must be handled in the best way he sees fit.

The point is, we don’t understand each other at all.  We think differently.  Our minds look at the same situation with completely different perspectives but they are both valid.  Does this make either one of us wrong?

We both come from two predetermined mindsets and are taught negative things about each other since the beginning of time.  We don’t know how to talk to each other or treat each other especially when there is an issue.  It is a guessing game turned war zone.

I don’t think it is fair that we have been turned slightly against each other by society since the beginning of time.  It is unfair that we can’t go back in time and change that.  It is unfair that it will forever go on that way no matter how “powerful” a woman can get.  In the world’s eyes, a woman is the weaker link.  That is unfair.  We are strong.  We birth children, work hard labor, raise other human beings, hold families together and balance this all while trying to be great wives.

Men you work hard but you don’t endure the physical and mental changes that a woman does.  You don’t have to balance hormones and sanity.  You don’t have to suffer carrying life around for 9 months and then go through such agony to get it out.  You’re body doesn’t have a mind of its own.  Women are strong because we endure a lot.  I am not saying we should be equal or one should outrank the other.  I just think we deserve the recognition and respect for who we are.  I think that would be fair.

Oh yea, and let’s try to get along because I still love ya!

100 Years [Daily Prompt: From the Collection of the Artist]

It’s the year 2113. A major museum is running an exhibition on life and culture as it was in 2013. You’re asked to write an introduction for the show’s brochure. What will it say?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us RETROSPECTIVE.

via Daily Prompt: From the Collection of the Artist.

Call me cynical but I don’t feel like life will  become any more glamorous in 2113 than 2013.  I only see humanity falling into more self-destruction.

Let’s go back to 1913, shall we?  Women standing here at the National Woman’s Party of the United States.  Strong woman fighting for a cause, fighting for their equal rights and using their minds and soul to will the inevitable.






Now we fast forward to 2013.  Here we have girls who look barely legal  in Atlantic City, New Jersey, dressed in their underwear.  I mean underwear.  IMG_6998[1]This picture doesn’t even justify the attire as to the lack of clothing I had actually seen in person.  There was no sign of intelligence or equality that those women had fought long and hard for nearly 100 years ago.  The strength and sophistication had been lost on molly’s, alcohol and other upper substances.  I saw young girls that had lost their self-respect and the value of their souls and bodies, just to booty clap in high thongs and pasties on stage to receive the attention that they probably yearned for as a child.

I can’t imagine life for anyone to improve in 100 years from now unless we mentally crash and burn.  The only solution would be to start from scratch.  I see 2113 as having more technology, more division among people and that fact will be hidden by the goal and assumption that social media is and will bring us closer together.  The more we know about each other, the more information that is accessible to us only gives us more drama to play around with. Causing more issues between us.

I fear what it will be like 100 years from now but luckily I will be 128 years old and probably sitting in the clouds watching from above.  Hopefully our children and their children will have more sense than the generations before them.

Transition This! [Daily Prompt: Flip Flop]

Daily Prompt: Flip Flop.

Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSITION.

I am a woman.  I always change my mind.  C’mon!

Changing an opinion or changing your mind about a particular something is just giving yourself more than one choice.  It is up to you to make a decision on how you want to feel about a certain issue.  If your feelings change so will your opinion.  This can happen at any point of you life.

Being a woman, I notice I am very emotional and passionate about a lot of subjects so at any given moment my feeling can change and I can just as passionate about something that opposes my original opinion.

For me, I can never really make up my mind about anything.  It is very frustrating and something I am struggling with now.  Every opinion, every feeling and every choice is followed by consequence but entered with fear and doubt.  I am working on changing this but obviously not hard enough.  We’ll see.

Anti-Social Attention

I have a contradicting problem with Social Media.  Yes, I like to blog, not consistently as it seems but not for attention but more for the art of expression through words as opposed to conversation or simply talking to myself.

I am rid of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  Any other type of social media that is out there, I literally haven’t even heard of.  I was opposed to MySpace and Facebook upon their grand entrance, years back but i succumbed to their attention seeking temptation.   I remember working in a retail store where a perfect stranger came up to me and said. “Hey, you’re like the MySpace queen.”  I thought that was interesting to say the least.  I digress.  So I had Facebook and it was constant drama because at the end of the day, all walks of life do not have the need or right to know everything I am doing and I should have the sense not to broadcast my actions at every moment of the day.

And I hear, “but i keep in touch with my family”.   We have email, phones, texting, computers, all these communication devices that do not have to broadcast our personal conversations.  Why should John Doe know that I had a fill in at the dentist today at 1:20pm and at 8:30pm, I am going to take a shower and prep myself for a night filled with disrespect and low self-esteem?

So I had Twitter and in 140 characters I told anyone who was reading, what kind of day I had, vaguely abused someone without saying who, judged other people, tweeted how sexy I was feeling even though I wasn’t and hoping someone would be interested.  Why?  So I deleted it.

Instagram, I posted pictures, I looked at other people’s pictures.  I started feeling bad about myself comparing myself to others and indulging in the overcompensation with theses “thirsty” pictures of myself, just so anyone would “like” it.  Why?  So I deleted it.

Now, I can’t speak for everyone and I can’t speak for no one but really, these social media examples are not to bring us closer together.  Look, it is because we as a people don’t give ourselves and others enough TIME to enjoy each other, to pay attention and give the attention that we all crave as human beings.  So what I am saying is, I just can’t watch how desperate our society has come to get others to notice them.  And now we have new reasons for negative activity because of the attention or lack of attention that we get on these sites.

Instead of minding our own business and taking care of our issues, we are displaying our lives for all to see, for judgement, for praise, for negative and/or positive attention and for what?  It is one huge distraction and one big escape so we as a people don’t have to face the TRUTH about our lives, ourselves, our surroundings and our feelings.  Do you really need to be validated in every action you make?  Whether you got a new outfit, haircut, object or whatever, why does everyone need to know and why do you need everyone’s approval?  And on top of it all, why can’t you admit that your participation with these sites benefit you in no other way but to get the attention you lack?  That is what irks me the most!  At least say, “You know what, I wasn’t hugged enough as a kid, I never felt worthy enough or I crave attention, it’s just how I am.”  But no, it’s never a reason of seeking attention but rather, “My family can see my pictures, it is an easy way to keep in touch, who cares everyone is on it now, you know.”

I am over it.  And I am not innocent.  I tried them out and I just don’t want to be that thirsty.  I don’t want to look like I am starving for attention, negative or positive.  I rather have human, physical interaction and real compliments if I deserve them accidentally, not because I gave you an option to approve of it or not.

Later Days