Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

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Thoughts on Social Media in Today’s World.

Millie:  Ugh…this life….I just want it to be simpler.

Me: Not with all this technology.

Millie: I don’t know if that’s helping or hurting.

Me:  It’s too much knowledge, that is actually hurting us.  Social media is the biggest disaster.

Millie: Yea, I agree with that.

Me: That’s why i cant do it with the IG and FB, I shouldn’t know about whats going on with people who add no value to me and no one should get free access to my life.  You earn that by being someone special or close to me.  Social media leaves you without a guard up, in turn, there is no value on building on a relationship because you don’t need to make the effort.  For example, my mother would be satisfied by seeing my pictures, knowing my status updates and would never feel the need to miss me or feel like she’s missing something.  Why would I give the ease of justifying her negligence?  Same thing with any relationship.

Millie:  I guess i never thought of it that way.  I was just thinking in terms of providing more opportunities for people to be sneaky assholes.

Me:  The problem i feel with today’s society is… there are no boundaries, no secrets and abundance of opportunities to get information you’re looking for without ever having to go to the source and that goes for anything.  Someone might be IN LOVE WITH YOU, look at your pics everyday, knows everything about you but you will never know because he doesn’t need to tell you,  He can just click here and click there.  Without this shit.. men cud be gentlemen, women would be mysterious and you wouldn’t know about the last 10 years of exes!

Millie:  You just made shit real.  lol

Me:  It’s sad but true, that’s why i choose to stay out of sight.

Me: That’s why in the past, such as, I could get a random text asking me how I was doing and have an hour-long conversation about what I am up to from someone i don’t see and has no idea what i have actually been up too who might tell me I am pretty because that’s how he or she remembers me not because of the images i forced on someone’s feed.

Millie:  i have zero argument for your points. lol

Me:  lol

Millie:  They’re all 100% spot on.

Me:  I think about this stuff a lot.

Millie: I’ve never considered that and i don’t think that many people ever have.

Me:  Lol.  No one thinks of that!!!  Because society wants you to believe that social media unites people but it only gives them more of reason to never go beyond mediocre to get what they want,   if something is easy, you’re not winning,  you’re cheating somewhere and there are always repercussions

Millie: You need to post this theory somewhere.

Me: My blog?  No one will listen, no one wants to believe that, everyone wants life to be just that simple.

Millie: I just think it needs to be out there, write it on a piece of paper and staple it to a telephone pole.  You know, to further make your point. lol

Millie: I think they’re such good points and I’ve never heard anyone speak about social media that way.

Me:  Really??

Millie: Yea.  Like I’ve heard reasons why its bad but never those reasons.

Video

Tyrese Gibson – Compartmentalization Part 2 (Must Watch) “LOYALTY HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE”

Part 2 from Tyrese Gibson. Words of wisdom about taking control of your own life. What’s on your menu? Do you like what is served at your table or will you send it back? It is always your choice. You need to change your mind to change your life! Preach!

Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

The Fight Of Life

Sometimes you feel lost and you find your way home and sometimes you realize you never had a home to find.

The Lord sends us signs, red flags, white hats and snowballs but it’s up to us to use them to better ourselves.

No one said life was easy. No one knows where we are going but sooner or later we will find out what we have been fighting for.

Werd… [Daily Prompt: 2100]

The language of the future: what will it be like? Write an experimental post using some imagined vocabulary — abbreviations, slang, new terms.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FUTURE.  via Daily Prompt: 2100.

I have this funny feeling that we will have reverted back to pen and paper because technology will have outdone itself and imploded causing us to lose it and struggle to rebuild.

I will be about 105 years of age.  Hopefully, floating among the clouds in complete bliss and spooking the crap out of my grandchildren as a ghost.

As far as “imagined vocabulary” if the words like “sexting” and “OMG” are being officially added to our dictionary now, there is not much more left to the imagination, we have completed accepted that language is not important enough to have respect for its actual words.  We write and speak with abbreviations because we don’t have the time to tell the truth.

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

It’s Our Party We Can Love Who We Want [Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55]

Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. GO!  Photographers, artists, poets: show us SPEED.

via Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55.

Of course the one day in my life that I decide, “I am going to listen to Miley Cyrus‘s song, ‘We Can’t Stop'”, I am caught red-handed.  I have never elected to listen to even one of her songs before today.  It is really funny.

“It’s our party we can love who we want.”  That is the third line in that song.  The song is about freedom.  I think it’s about breaking the chains of childhood and entering adulthood but because it is unknown territory people tend to go overboard and go crazy.  So I definitely feel there is a purgatory in between childhood and adulthood which is right smack in the middle of where Miley is in her life.  A crossroads.

It sucks that celebs have to go through each stage of their lives in the public eye because the “do what they want to” and then look back thinking “what the hell was I thinking?”  When we grow through life we all do things we aren’t proud of and it isn’t because we want to embarrass ourselves.  I feel we are all subconsciously searching for answers and hoping that the attention we bring to ourselves will give us those answers.  No one will ever admit it though.

I was listening to it because I have been feeling like a lump on a log the past few days and I wanted to envision myself having fun, doing whatever I want to without thinking about the consequences.  I was thinking about how irresponsible it would be to act out, act a fool but how freeing it would be at the same time. 

I need something new and exciting.  I was searching for excitement in my choice of music this morning while riding the bus to work.  I wanted my excitement to outweigh the negativity that I have swimming in my head.  And it is for no reason, I must add.

“And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life”

Casting Call [Daily Prompt: Ready for Your Close-up]

Cast the movie of your life.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us SUPERSTAR.

via Daily Prompt: Ready for Your Close-up.

Cast the movie of my life.  That is a tough one for me.  Well, first person that comes to mind to play myself is Scarlett Johansson because she is short, petite, blonde and has a similar figure as me but we don’t look-alike facially. 

On a side note, I am little over a quarter of a century old and although I have been through a lot, I would like to hope that my life hasn’t really begun yet since I am not anywhere that I want to be yet.  So it is hard to think of how I could portray my life in a movie as of yet.

To cast my brother, it would have to be Andy Roddick.  They are identical, it’s uncanny.  It would be hard to cast my father because he is a very unique character.  My aunt would be casted by Diane Keaton.  It is a cute fit.

I am not going to go down a list of all the people in my life that I could think to play them in a movie of my life because it’s just going to be boring.  So there is a few I could think of in short.