Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

Open Arms

The moment you stop caring, the world opens its arms to you.

My brother and I used to play a game when we were kids.  Say everything opposite.  So, if we wanted the night-time to be longer and not have the night feel as though we had just hit the pillow and the alarm would ring for school; we would say before we went to sleep, “tonight is going to go by so fast, it’s not even going to feel like we even slept.”

We used to play against the grain.  We would convince ourselves that what we wanted was ever going to be granted so we had to want the opposite for all our real desires to come true.

At such a young age,  I had branded life and all my dreams with thoughts of them never coming true.  That’s the past.

I am changing my life.  Piece by piece, day by day.  I am moving forward.  I won’t let anyone treat me like second fiddle and I won’t come second to my goals.  I am making myself first priority and those who can’t keep up, must quit and I am determined to never look back.

Tear Drops

There are so many things you want to shout out into the universe but you know your message is only meant for that one person who needs to hear it.

Sometimes you want to scream out and cry for no reason because you are scared of the world around you.  You have seen what it can do, the good and the bad.

It’s frustrating to live your life in fear of pain.  Somehow you can never get used to it.  You never feel like you can adapt to it.

It is so difficult to be positive when you have been hurt so many times.  Once you feel yourself slipping into vulnerability how do you stop the familiarities that have come with it before.

We all have our evil demons.  We all have our insecurities.  We certainly all at one point or another are face to face with what we fear.

Why is it that I worry?  Why is it that I think so negatively?  How do I make it stop?  How do I let go of the fear of losing?

The worry and the fear only attracts the worry and the fear.  If I know this, why have I found it so difficult to stop the cycle?

I have so many questions that go unanswered.  I have so many high hopes for my life but my fear hides the ambition in a drawer underneath all things unimportant.

Emotionally, today has been difficult and only I can understand why.  So why can’t I?