Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

Small Note

I haven’t been blogging as much as usual lately.  I just didn’t really like the daily prompt topics and I wasn’t in the mood I guess.  It happens.

I have a terrible migraine today.  It actually started last night and sleep usually gets rid of it but not today.  Oh well.

I don’t feel like I have anything worth sharing at the moment.  I have or want anything to complain about so I am not going to.

I am hoping I build up enough motivation to write or even just read some poetry today.  I am feeling tired though.  We’ll see.

Don’t Want to Push Through Life [Daily Prompt: Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other]

Write a six-word story about what you think the future holds for you, and then expand on it in a post.Photographers, artists, poets: show us SIX.

via Daily Prompt: Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other.

“Don’t want to push through life”

I am glad I waited to write this post.  I felt good today.  I wasn’t dwelling on anything or stressing about anything.  The six-word story I decided on was “don’t want to push through life”.  After a conversation I had today with my father.

I was talking to him about my life.   At the end of my work day,  I guess I had a few moments where I started to think about what I had stressed about the day before.  So I wanted to vent about my job, my relationships with people and just life in general.  He told me I needed to let things go basically and just push through life  because there is nothing you can do about all these things that I keep stressing about.

At that moment, I realized that is what my daily post would be about.  I realized once again, I don’t want to just push through life and accept that I am destined to be routine.  I want more.  I want life to push through me.  I have expressed this time and time again, I need more for my life.  I don’t want to just coast the waves, I want to ride them head on and that may be why I am always so stressed.

I am constantly challenging myself and trying to perfect every minute of everyday but criticizing my every action.  I am pretty sure to be that obsessive is unhealthy.  For some reason,  I have this urge to be this super human, who can take life and make so much more than what society tells me it is destined to be.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to just push through.  I can’t and won’t let myself just be another body in this world.  I need more.  I want more.  I am destined for more.  I am not ashamed of trying to make this life more than mediocre.  I don’t think it is wrong to feel this way.  With this desire though comes struggle and trials.  All of which I must over come.

I haven’t figured out how I will conquer my goals and I am not sure exactly what it is that will make my life extraordinary.  All I know is I have to try.  So pray for me and wish me luck and hopefully I will be more than just a girl from New York, making a minimum salary and popping out kids that I can’t afford.

Don’t push through life.

Tear Drops

There are so many things you want to shout out into the universe but you know your message is only meant for that one person who needs to hear it.

Sometimes you want to scream out and cry for no reason because you are scared of the world around you.  You have seen what it can do, the good and the bad.

It’s frustrating to live your life in fear of pain.  Somehow you can never get used to it.  You never feel like you can adapt to it.

It is so difficult to be positive when you have been hurt so many times.  Once you feel yourself slipping into vulnerability how do you stop the familiarities that have come with it before.

We all have our evil demons.  We all have our insecurities.  We certainly all at one point or another are face to face with what we fear.

Why is it that I worry?  Why is it that I think so negatively?  How do I make it stop?  How do I let go of the fear of losing?

The worry and the fear only attracts the worry and the fear.  If I know this, why have I found it so difficult to stop the cycle?

I have so many questions that go unanswered.  I have so many high hopes for my life but my fear hides the ambition in a drawer underneath all things unimportant.

Emotionally, today has been difficult and only I can understand why.  So why can’t I?