Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

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What Drives You to Share?

Ever wonder why entertainers entertain us? On the cruise, I watched a few shows after our dinner service and they were very entertaining but I couldn’t help but wonder what drives you and I to perform for an audience. Your performance can be over any genre and on any venue, but why do we do it?

Is it because we love to entertain others, to see their enjoyment of our talents that we can offer an audience who are interested? Or it an inner yearning for the recognition with wish to get from a simple clap, cheer or even standing ovation?

My question is as a performer, as a public blogger, do you or I do it for ourselves, the yearn for acceptance and recognition or to simply share our special talents with an audience in hopes to inspire others who may have doubted themselves? Do we do the things we do publicly for our yearn for acceptance, to show off our special talents or to purely entertain our audience?

quote-Walt-Disney-i-would-rather-entertain-and-hope-that-38825

Where do you find the most enjoyment? For the applauds you receive or for the smiles and laughter of the hearts and souls that you touch by sharing your special talents?

Why do we feel the need to express ourselves publicly, rather than keep it to ourselves? What are we looking for, searching for and wondering what our God-given talents really mean to ourselves and how it affects others that are able to absorb the skills that we throwing out into the universe?

Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Why do I want the world to see me and my talents in its raw form?”

Why do you blog, sing, dance, draw and feel to need to be driven to share? Is it for you or is it for us?

The Wonder Year [Daily Prompt: State of Your Year]

Write up a mid-year “State of My Year” post.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us NOW.  

via Daily Prompt: State of Your Year.

Quite the prompt we have here this morning.  More often now, I wake up in the morning wondering if the daily prompt will coincide with how I am feeling and I guess because of the law of attraction, it usually does.

Lately, I have not only been reflecting on the past few months of this year but also the past few years of my life.  I know I have wasted so much time not doing anything with myself.  Now, I see the nothing I did has attracted the nothing that I do today.  Granted I am not doing as bad as I dramatize, surely but I am not in the path or the state I wish to have been in by now.  I wasted all my years in school focusing on my relationships and the friends I couldn’t seem to make.  I realize all that doesn’t mean anything in the long scheme of things because I see that I am left without the fulfillment that I desperately seek.

This year, seven months in, almost 8 already.  What I have I done with it?  I learned more about myself and I learned how to value myself just a tad bit more that I had before.  I figured out what I actually like to do in my spare time, what my passions really are and what makes me feel comfortable.  I realized that I want more out of life than a 9 to 5 in any company that wouldn’t even send flowers to my wake.  I figured out that I don’t want to be Stagnant in Staten Island.  I don’t want to be complacent.

So mid-year, I have a lot of ideas.  There are many things that I want to do.  I want to blog, I want to take photos, I have a few crafty ideas that I am really excited about and I want to continue to draw.  I am looking towards the future.  I want to land at my life’s destination by January 1, 2014.  I predict by then my life will have chosen its path and will be on the road to fulfillment.

I can’t wait for the follow up post in January!