Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.


Hood Chick [Daily Prompt: Community Service]

Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us COMMUNITY.

via Daily Prompt: Community Service.

I find it hard to believe that anyone I know would support something I feel passionate about.  There is the one or two people who are the exception but support is hard to come by from friends.  Go-figure.

I don’t think there is a specific topic that I would share if my blog was to be a guaranteed read tomorrow, I guess that’s because I would like everything I write to be of interest to someone in my community and outside my community.

I just read in my daily note from the universe that the times we feel lonely are the times to remember most because of that moment when someone comes along or an idea created from the solitude and your life somehow is positively changed but coming out of the loneliness.  One could only feel great when they come from feeling sad or in pain.  I guess it’s just the same when one can only succeed if they have failed the first time.  Learn from the error.  I found that to be an interesting way to look at being lonely.  I am not lonely now but I have felt it before.  It is nice to not be lonely anymore.  So I guess I can appreciate the fact that I know the difference.  It won’t allow me to take my company for granted.

Even Trades [Daily Prompt: Barter System]

Daily Prompt: Barter System.

If the world worked on a barter system, how would you fare? Would you have services to barter? Would you be successful, or would you struggle?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us SKILL.

I like to work.  Well, let me rephrase that, I like to be productive.  I don’t like working more hours than  I am living for myself just so one person can make a fortune off of my helping hands.  I lot to acquire new skills, to learn and be constantly creating.  I don’t mind making money and using it to buy goods and services of my choice.  I just prefer making more money for the amount of time I waste before I die.

I do, however, think that if I was to partake in a world that used the barter system, I would probably be more successful than I am now.  This is because I have a lot to trade as in goods and services than I do with currency.  I would be willing to give up possessions in exchange for bigger and better things.  I would be willing to sacrifice more if the incentive was to receive what I wanted.

In the world that we are in now, I work 45 hours a week and travel to and from work an extra 12 1/2 hours a week.  So, almost 58 hours a week of my life, I am working to make a low-end salary so that I can live in my apartment and have a car.  If we were trading, I would trade movies, dvd players, dressers, clothes, shoes, etc. to receive nicer things or one big something of my choice.

I would also have my skills for service, to write, sing, dance, perform, act, entertain, party plan, organize, clean among of things that currency would pay for I could do in exchange for goods.  I believe that I am very resourceful and a born problem solver so I am confident that I would be successful if we were in a world that worked on the barter system. 

Right now, I still working on becoming successful in the world of currency and economical failure.  Ignorance is bliss.

Dear Mr. Fearful [Daily Prompt: Shape Up or Ship Out]

Daily Prompt: Shape Up or Ship Out.

Dear Mr. Fearful,

You don’t allow to be spontaneous.  You don’t let me take many risks and any risks I do take, you make me crazy with all the negative possibilities.  You have been around way too long and I should have outgrown you already.  You make me scared.  You give me intense anxiety.  You interfere with my day-to-day life.

I am continuously working on ways to stop you and your hindering ways.  I plan on being rid of you once and for all.  Fear only leads to failure.   With fear, the doors of beautiful opportunities are slammed shot and bolted shut.  I want to live without you.  I want to be more spontaneous, more courageous and take more risks!

So, pack your bags Mr. Fearful, I don’t want you to shape up, I just want you to ship out!

Truthfully not yours,


You’re Are Only As Smart As Your Computer

We live in a technological era.  Over the course of the last 25-30 years, we have seen the evolution of technology.  We have watched the beepers turn to cell phones , talking turn to texting, books turn to screens, knowledge turn from something we possess to something we can search at any given moment, cassettes turn to cd, vhs to dvd, etc., etc., etc.

We come from  a place where a person built skills and possessed information to become successful.  A place where the brain retained relevant information based on studies and memory.  Today, we are in a place where we are dependent on technology and the unlimited access to search for anything right at our fingertips.  Pro or Con?

Children of the 2000’s will never know a time where a computer was not in every home, a cell phone is not buzzing or ringing and communication isn’t running rapid through emails, texting and social media.  There will be no experiences like going to the library to research an assignment for school or someone simply ringing your doorbell to see if you want to play outside or someone calling your house and you not being home to answer.  We are always available because we have access to communicate at all times.  You can get in touch with me anytime you want because I have a device that I take with me everywhere because God Forbid I miss your call, text or email in the second that you sent it to me.

We don’t have to pick up a newspaper to find out the news, we honestly don’t even need cable television to watch a show or have the news anchored to us, because we can go to any site that has headlines to see what is going on and we can watch most shows through the internet now also.

Now the point I am trying to get at is, we have come so far in our society with technology and our intelligence as far as mastering the machine to ultimately make us more powerful through machinery.  But the downside to this, is the lack of time we use to exercise our brain as a whole.  We build less skills, when having unlimited access to information at all times and if we didn’t ever need to have skills ever again, there would be no downside but because all good things must come to an end, and what goes up must come down, our dependency will be the downfall of humanity.  When communications fail, if satellites are destroyed by spontaneous actions in space, if we are stripped of having the rights to attain such knowledge because it will lead to a powerless world or lack of control to those who claim to be in charge, then what?  We will be lost.  Especially the children of our future, who were not taught to build knowledge because they are accustomed to searching every answer to any question that is tossed at them or given complete instructions on how to build anything without mastering it independently of any technological assistance. 

What happens where we lose communications, if technology fails?  Then where will we find ourselves?  Without skills, retained knowledge and limited supply of tangible books.  Skills to abbreviate words and continuously use acronyms to belittle everything your trying to express will not help us when we return to mailing letters to keep in contact with each other and relying on tangible books to read without the acronyms.  To think we would have to return to using words that are grammatically correct and to write letters again that could exceed 140 characters.

There is always an upside and a downside to everything.  We always adapt but I hate to be naive and not protect myself from machine and networking failing.  So my advice, keep reading, continue to learn and not rely so much on what you can find as opposed to what you can learn and obtain in yourself.  One day your skills and your knowledge can possess the power that you may have never dreamed of having because you weren’t solely dependent on satellites and machinery.

As cliché and as old as a saying this may be, “Knowledge is Power”, don’t let them rob you of the power you can posses independently.