Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

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Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

If you could fast forward to a specific date in the future, when would it be?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FORWARD.

via Daily Prompt: Fast Forward.

I don’t know why anyone would want to rush time to the future.  If I could do anything about time, I would slow it down and cherish each moment the way I know I that should every time I look back on my past.

If you fast forward to a specific date, you will have arrived in the present time and will constantly be running towards the next moment without enjoying the present one.

Children don’t rush to be adults.  Adults don’t rush to your next phase.  Seniors don’t rush to your death.  If we all take a minute and slow down, you might realize why we should.

 

Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

Time Travel [Daily Prompt: A Bird, a Plane, You!]

You get to choose one superpower. Pick one of these, and explain your choice:

  • the ability to speak and understand any language
  • the ability to travel through time
  • the ability to make any two people agree with each other

Photographers, artists, poets: show us POWER.

via Daily Prompt: A Bird, a Plane, You!.

If I had to choose one of the powers, I would choose to travel through time.  With this power, I can still carry around a translator and use my persuasion to make people agree.

Why Time Travel?  Uhm, because who wouldn’t want to see the world in different eras, phases of the earth and I would probably try to alter some things if I could to make things better now.  I would just love to see how people lived in different centuries long ago, spend a few days in each time, in different parts of the world without putting myself in danger.  I think that would be an exhilarating experience.

Flagpole Sitta [Daily Prompt: Fright Night]

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FRIGHTENING.

via Daily Prompt: Fright Night.

I am even afraid to tell you because I am afraid some crazy person would use it against me.   I think that’s called Paranoid.

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody’s comin’ to get me
Just say you never met me
I’m runnin’ underground with the moles
Diggin’ holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they’re snoring
But if you’re bored then you’re boring
The agony and the irony, they’re killing me, whoa!
-Harvey Danger “Flagpole Sitta”

In My Eyes [Daily Prompt: Perspective]

Think about something that drives you crazy. Now, think about something that makes you happy. Does it change your perspective?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us a PERSPECTIVE.

via Daily Prompt: Perspective.

Perspective is the key word.  Something that drives me crazy might make another person happy.  But I digress.

Something that makes me absolutely crazy is when I am lied to and taken advantage of.  Something that makes me really happy is knowing that I can really trust someone and feeling at ease.

Because I have had bad experiences in the past with being told to lie to my family for my mother’s benefit which eventually led to her departure and neglect, being lied to by her, close friends, ex-boyfriends and being cheated on also which to me just is a deeper lie, I have been quick to hold back from trusting too many people.  Past or no past, our experience shape us for tomorrow.  I am not saying that my trust issues will not change but merely explaining some of the reasons why I have come to be who I am today.

Being able to really trust a person gives me a feeling of such relief.  No worries, no cares but the smallest of lies can cause the most unsettling disruption and it is hard to recover from but for those who try to make up for it, I appreciate that and take that into great consideration.

My perspective on things are jaded to say the least but I plan on changing the path once again.  I have a long, difficult road ahead of me but one day there will be a peaceful light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to sigh relief that I made it through.

Cruella Deville [Daily Prompt: Wicked Witch]

Write about evil: how you understand it (or don’t), what you think it means, or a way it’s manifested, either in the world at large or in your life.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us EVIL.

via Daily Prompt: Wicked Witch.

I used to believe in the innocence we all possessed and how pure we all could be.  A long, long time ago.  If you assumed it was in my adolescence, you would be correct.

As you grow older and you experience how much pain can be construed, all those beliefs you had a child seems like a far away in the distance fictional memory.

I don’t know if I understand evil in the sense that I know why it even has to exist, seriously but I have seen what it can do.  It isn’t the physical world that possesses it either.  People are mean.  They show us evil.  They are the examples that not even words can describe.

There are different evils too.  Some worse than others but all the same if you are participating in an action that hurts someone somewhere.  To me, evil is its least lethal form is just simply taking advantage of another person.  Looking at a person who has let their guard down and opened their soul to you.  Taking that precious gift without appreciation and diminishing it by your own selfish agenda.  That to me is evil.

No one likes an anti-bacterial, anti-itch spray on an open flesh wound.  And I say that because, when you open your heart to someone and you let your guard down, your heart is, figuratively speaking, exposed.  When someone hurts you deliberately or not even deliberately but takes that exposure for granted it burns, it stings and it makes you feel like the world is an evil place, in turn, stitching up your heart with a thicker thread.

Then of course, there are the people who kill, hurt children, adults, steal, lie, and cheat.  And the other evils that are considered more natural such as natural disasters, sickness and to some people, death.  I do believe all of what is here in this world has been created by us in some way, in some form and maybe not right now but over time.

So remember the world isn’t an evil place, it is you and I who can’t learn to love each other more than we love ourselves and until then, evil will grow until we destroy ourselves.  It won’t be the world’s fault.  It will be ours.

The Fight Of Life

Sometimes you feel lost and you find your way home and sometimes you realize you never had a home to find.

The Lord sends us signs, red flags, white hats and snowballs but it’s up to us to use them to better ourselves.

No one said life was easy. No one knows where we are going but sooner or later we will find out what we have been fighting for.

Trust A Try [Daily Prompt: Non-Regional Diction]

Write about whatever you’d like, but write using regional slang, your dialect, or in your accent.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us LOCAL.

via Daily Prompt: Non-Regional Diction.

Where New York at?!  So like, lately I have been feelin’ kinda shitty.  A lot of stuff going around right now that is soooo negative.

Secrets are like assholes, you know, we all have them and they are all shitty.  I am not a fan but sometimes I guess they are necessary.  My father told me last night that white lies are okay if you are helping someone.  It all depends on the situation.  As does everything we encounter, I suppose.

My friends go through a lot with trust as have I in the past.   It ain’t so simple to just let things roll off ya shoulders but it’s always easier to tell someone else to let shit go.

Life is really hard especially for people who are genuinely tryin to do be straight and do the right thing.  It is hard not to hurt someone all the time because we are selfish beings but at what cost will ya go to satisfy yaself when it comes to hurting someone who is really tryin their best for you.

We all make mistakes too, ya know.  At what point, do we accept that we are human and make mistakes or decide the mistake just hit way too close to home and you have let go of the negativity.

I am sick and tired of trying hard to do the right thing honestly.  I have made my mistakes but currently I have been holding true to my words and keeping my faith in the people around me.

Instinct is a real thing.  Your gut never lies.  You lie to yourself, people lie to you but your soul tells the truth and that is that erking feeling you get inside that disrupts your sleep, takes away your appetite and makes you not want to live another day.

Why do we hurt each other so much for the sake of our own benefit?  It is never worth the reward.  At the end of the day, we all want people who love us, trust us and want us for the good people we are.  The secrets, the lies, they diminish our ability to live for the best of you and the best of me.  Makes you turn your back on what you want and believe because each day a part of you is being chipped away by the selfish tools that pick at us.

At what point man, do we know when it’s nothin and/or when it’s somethin?  At what point, do we just do the right thing because we put someone else ahead of ourselves?  When do relationships with each other become honorable again because today we have dishonored ourselves as a human race and we need to reflect and realize being good is better than getting over on your neighbor, your friend, your companion, your family member and your spiritual provider.

Can’t we all just get along?

Travels [Daily Prompt: Come Fly with Me]

IMG_7251[1]Share a story about the furthest you’ve ever traveled from home.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRAVELS.  Daily Prompt: Come Fly with Me.

 

I believe the furthest I have traveled was to St. Maarten.  That is the furthest point from New York, I think.  I blogged about it before.

It was beautiful like nothing I had ever seen.  The water was amazing and the weather was fabulous.  It was special at the time but maybe more to me than to anyone else that was traveling with me.  They had been there before and I strongly assume my boyfriend didn’t feel the sentimental value as I did being there with him.  Our first vacation.

We were only there for a day during that cruise.  I was drunk off my face drinking buckets of Buds and barely walked back on my own to the ship.

The only thing I would have liked more of was the sun.  I was afraid I would burn so I put a lot of sunscreen on and didn’t get as tan as I wanted to.