Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

Lisa’s Gifts [Daily Prompt: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious]

You get some incredibly, amazingly, wonderfully fantastic news. What’s the first thing you do?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us INCREDIBLE.

via Daily Prompt: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

My first instinct is to find someone to tell. Unfortunately, the people I find that I want to tell are always preoccupied and don’t usually share the same excitement as me.  Lately, anyway.  I haven’t had super-duper exciting news to share recently but I am hoping my luck is about to change.

After being disappointed, ranting and raving about my news to someone less interested, I guess I would indulge in food I shouldn’t eat and maybe drink a little too much, smoke a cigarette even though I am a quitter but that would offset the disappointment that no one else is excited for me and then sit there and think over and over about my news and smile to myself because ultimately,  I am the only one who cares and the only one it’s affecting anyway.

lisasgifts

Thanks! [Daily Prompt: Thank You]

The internet is full of rants. Help tip the balance: today, simply be thankful for something (or someone).  Photographers, artists, poets: show us THANKS.

via Daily Prompt: Thank You.

I just want to thank all the readers who visit my blog and follow it.  I am thankful to share my experiences, my stories and my life with all of you.  I appreciate those who visit without being told, “read my blog”.  You all help me grow as a writer and keep me motivated.  Thank you.

Thanks

Dearest Autumn

Dear Autumn,

September has arrived and without fail I get the same old feelings. The feel of wild summer’s end and falling into comfortability.

Last year at this time, I was breaking an old relationship and moving into my own apartment for the second time. It was a bigger place and somewhere I could start fresh. I love moving. It feels like letting go of the past.

Fall always feels like a new beginning for me. I am sure that is a common feeling for most because it is reminiscent of school starting its new year. I love how I feel when a subtle cool breeze touches my face. It bids farewell to the hot crazy days of summer and welcomes me with open arms for a chance to start over.

It is my favorite moment on earth. Seasons change and with it so do I. We live our life in seasons. Episodes of events and experience that soon pass us by and take us to our ultimate grand finale.

I am not ready for my series finale. I have so much I have to do in this life. I am going fight for everything I have ever dreamed of and never let life’s disruptions defeat me. I will not be defeated by pain as I thought I once would be.

Growing up is a process. It takes a long time to understand that you have a specific purpose. I will tell you it is very difficult to get there but I know once I finally figure it out, all my hardships and inner demons will have been worth every struggle and fight. I am a fighter. I feel weak but I overcome everything that comes at me.

What I feel that is most important in life is love. It is not the word so much as the action you use to display it with. I have so much love inside of me. I want to share it desperately in its most vulnerable state without being afraid of disappointment or abandonment. Sometimes it is difficult but sometimes it takes the right people in your life to show you that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

So I welcome the beautiful colors of Autumn. Fall onto my face and fill me with complete happiness. Empty my mind of negativity and start anew. See love in its naked form and be free.

Thank you for seasons. Thank you Autumn. You are beautiful.

John Lennon [Daily Prompt: Imagine All the People]

Imagine Cover Art

The next time you’re in a public place — a coffeehouse, a park, a store — observe the people around you. Pick a person, a couple, or a group, and imagine what their lives might be like.Photographers, artists, poets: show us IMAGINE.

via Daily Prompt: Imagine All the People.

When  I read the title of this Daily Prompt, all I could think about was John Lennon singing those exact lines.

I always look at people on the bus or when we walked passed each other wonder what their lives are like, where they are going, what is happening to them but I can’t specifically pinpoint one person today.  I am at work and all the people here I am familiar with in one way or another so I can’t even attempt to imagine because I already have an idea.

I definitely always imagine what life is like on the inside of other people.  I wonder what their souls are like, if we are all similar at heart or if we all are beats of a different drums.

“Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world”

 – John Lennon

 

Aiuto! Anmwe! Ayuda! [Daily Prompt: I Am a Rock]

Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself?  Why? Photographers, artists, poets: show us SELF.

via Daily Prompt: I Am a Rock.

I think it is easy to ask anyone for help.  The hard part is actually taking someone’s advice.  I feel that we all see help and guidance from someone other than ourselves but we already know the answers deep in ourselves.  We just want to hear it be justified by someone else and when we don’t hear the answer we are looking for we get angry and don’t listen anyway.

I am always seeking help emotionally from anyone who will listen.  It is not difficult for me.  I also know that I  want to hear what I want to hear.  I mean who isn’t like that really.  I love receiving the truth and honesty and I can handle that but I want to justify my actions and feelings because I want to be correct.

Life isn’t like that.  I know some people who rely on themselves.  They don’t discuss their personal business with anyone.  I find that to be true with a lot of men rather than women but there are exceptions.

I just want a new way of coping with everyday life.  That is the help that I look for.  I spend nights crying for no reason and looking at myself in the mirror wondering why it is so hard for me to be normal.  And to be honest, no matter who I talk to you and ask for help, they don’t know how to help me anyway because the answer as I said, relies on me. 

So Lee, why don’t you try helping because no one else can.

Helping Kids Be Kids [Daily Prompt: Blogger With a Cause]

If your day to day responsibilities were taken care of and you could throw yourself completely behind a cause, what would it be?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us HELP.

via Daily Prompt: Blogger With a Cause.

I don’ t have a lot of knowledge on specific organizations that I would support or specifically stand behind but if I could throw myself completely behind a cause it would be to help young children that come from broken home.  I would counsel them and do everything I can to make each and every one of them feel special.  Any cause that supports helping children grow up in a healthy well-balanced environment and that will allow me to be hands-on in the process, I would throw myself completely behind.

 

Going Viral [Daily Prompt: Viral]

The New York Times is going to feature your blog on its home page, and you’ve been asked to publish a new post — it’ll be the first thing tens of thousands of new readers see. Write it.  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FIRST.

via Daily Prompt: Viral.

 

 

Life is New York seems like the American Dream.  People travel from all over the world just to see the famous skylines and all the attractions advertised on TV.  All the people who are not residents of New York or its 5 boroughs think so highly of the state.  Don’t get me wrong, New York is full of opportunity and many people have created great lives here.  But traveling outside of New York there is a noticeable difference in the people.

Every wonder why the New Yorker is so rude by default.  Why can’t you just say thank you?  Why can’t you help someone if they have fallen or were in trouble?  New Yorkers are always in a hurry and once they arrive they are complaining about something so irrelevant to life in the big scheme of things.

My point is here, let’s give New York a better reputation.  Treat our fellow human beings with respect, be polite, helpful and extend the olive branch especially to those in need.  Figure out what we can do as a team to make this beautiful innovative state a nicer place to be not just a visual attraction.

Sometimes the small things that we feel is insignificant are really the only things that need to go Viral.  If we aimed our focus on how we treat each other and interact with each other than we may open the doors to opportunities that we would have never dreamed were possible.

Choose wisely of the topics you want to go Viral.  What is it that you want your peers to learn from what you are putting out?  Don’t waste time being selfish and thinking only of your own personal wants because when we all do that, we become divided and nothing great can be accomplished without unity.  Strength lies in numbers and in heart.  Let us beat on the same drum.

What Drives You to Share?

Ever wonder why entertainers entertain us? On the cruise, I watched a few shows after our dinner service and they were very entertaining but I couldn’t help but wonder what drives you and I to perform for an audience. Your performance can be over any genre and on any venue, but why do we do it?

Is it because we love to entertain others, to see their enjoyment of our talents that we can offer an audience who are interested? Or it an inner yearning for the recognition with wish to get from a simple clap, cheer or even standing ovation?

My question is as a performer, as a public blogger, do you or I do it for ourselves, the yearn for acceptance and recognition or to simply share our special talents with an audience in hopes to inspire others who may have doubted themselves? Do we do the things we do publicly for our yearn for acceptance, to show off our special talents or to purely entertain our audience?

quote-Walt-Disney-i-would-rather-entertain-and-hope-that-38825

Where do you find the most enjoyment? For the applauds you receive or for the smiles and laughter of the hearts and souls that you touch by sharing your special talents?

Why do we feel the need to express ourselves publicly, rather than keep it to ourselves? What are we looking for, searching for and wondering what our God-given talents really mean to ourselves and how it affects others that are able to absorb the skills that we throwing out into the universe?

Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Why do I want the world to see me and my talents in its raw form?”

Why do you blog, sing, dance, draw and feel to need to be driven to share? Is it for you or is it for us?