Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

Tear Drops

There are so many things you want to shout out into the universe but you know your message is only meant for that one person who needs to hear it.

Sometimes you want to scream out and cry for no reason because you are scared of the world around you.  You have seen what it can do, the good and the bad.

It’s frustrating to live your life in fear of pain.  Somehow you can never get used to it.  You never feel like you can adapt to it.

It is so difficult to be positive when you have been hurt so many times.  Once you feel yourself slipping into vulnerability how do you stop the familiarities that have come with it before.

We all have our evil demons.  We all have our insecurities.  We certainly all at one point or another are face to face with what we fear.

Why is it that I worry?  Why is it that I think so negatively?  How do I make it stop?  How do I let go of the fear of losing?

The worry and the fear only attracts the worry and the fear.  If I know this, why have I found it so difficult to stop the cycle?

I have so many questions that go unanswered.  I have so many high hopes for my life but my fear hides the ambition in a drawer underneath all things unimportant.

Emotionally, today has been difficult and only I can understand why.  So why can’t I?

“We Need To Talk” Top Ten

So many times in our lives, I am sure we have heard from one person or another,  “We need to talk next time I see you”.  I can’t help but ask myself why that has to even be said.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to just talk when you see the person without giving them the suspenseful trailer version of the conversation to come.  I don’t want a preview to that type of suspense because if you need to talk, we are going to talk now.

Here are the Top Ten things thoughts that go through a person’s mind when they hear, “we need to talk”:

  1. Oh no, now what?
  2. Shit, what could we possibly need to talk about?
  3. My heart is racing now and I have so much anxiety, why can’t he tell me now?
  4. Hmm, what did I do this week that could have gotten me in trouble?
  5. Wait, maybe he found out about.
  6. But that was so long ago.
  7. Oh no, maybe it’s something he’s confessing.
  8. What did that little bastard do?
  9. Let’s see, he worked the last 4 days straight, he was off before that, where was I?
  10. Oh damn, I have no idea, where are my keys, we are doing this right now!?

idlehearts.com

Dear Mr. Fearful [Daily Prompt: Shape Up or Ship Out]

Daily Prompt: Shape Up or Ship Out.

Dear Mr. Fearful,

You don’t allow to be spontaneous.  You don’t let me take many risks and any risks I do take, you make me crazy with all the negative possibilities.  You have been around way too long and I should have outgrown you already.  You make me scared.  You give me intense anxiety.  You interfere with my day-to-day life.

I am continuously working on ways to stop you and your hindering ways.  I plan on being rid of you once and for all.  Fear only leads to failure.   With fear, the doors of beautiful opportunities are slammed shot and bolted shut.  I want to live without you.  I want to be more spontaneous, more courageous and take more risks!

So, pack your bags Mr. Fearful, I don’t want you to shape up, I just want you to ship out!

Truthfully not yours,

Lee

Love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

I seem to have created my own little world of hell.  My negativity level has reached an all time high.  Like today, it is Saturday and it’s 8:15am, I should be laying in bed asleep because I wake up early everyday but I am not.   I keep thinking I am going to wake up out of this nightmare inside my head but everyday my eyes open and I am still me.

I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for answers.  The answers that apparently are all around me but I have a blindfold on, I guess.  I feel like a raisin, dried up and lifeless.  I know I am not old enough to feel this way.  I refuse to believe that antidepressants or another human being can just fix me.  We are all broken in one way or another and drugs just make us forget that we are sometimes or intensify it and make us want to commit suicide.  Both options are not routes I prefer to take.

Let’s talk about love.  Why is it so important?  What is it?  Why is it so important to some and not to others or how do they hide that it is, so well?  My beliefs on this word has changed, been skewed, tainted, revived and died.  Love should be defined as an illusion.  I am actually sick of being obsessed with it actually.  I don’t know why I care so much.  I would rather be one of the people who can hide from it or put it in the back of my mind and never ever think about it.  No one even wants to hear about this.

Moving on.  Figuratively and literally.  One harder than the other.  I am only one perspective.  I would like to erase my memories and begin a different perspective because this just does not work for me.  Complaining and whining is never appealing and even people getting paid to listen don’t really want to hear it so I know that no one else wants to hear it.

We are born alone, we live each day alone and we die alone.  Love is an illusion.  You don’t share a life with someone, you share responsibilities, finances,  a home, some time, arguments and different views on everything.   But your life is still your own.  You still wake up in your body, look through your eyes and think your ugly thoughts.  No one shares that with you and no one really cares enough to be that interested in that.  This is not emo, it is true to my 26-27 year observations.  I don’t just base this off of ideas that bounce off the clouds.

We all chase an idea.  An idea that happiness exists, that love is something we can hold onto and that there is a means to an end.  But there is not.  We as human beings on this earth have conditioned ourselves to believe that life has limits, rules and boundaries as far as emotions go and the purpose of our lives go.  Yet, we have no idea what we are doing.  No one is truly satisfied, the rich kill themselves with drugs, so money doesn’t make you happy; the poor find “love” and die from the stress of finances; the middle class have no time for anything let alone love, money or happiness and whoever else are in an insane asylum because they think differently than the majority.  We make our goals based on intangible things.  “I just want to be happy.”   “I just want to be loved.”  “I just want to be comfortable.”  It is unrealistic and because we have been conditioned to feel that we can have these things, we become depressed when it’s unachievable.  I am victim to that as well.  I play the game no different, it is just that I am realizing what exists and what doesn’t, I just can’t figure out where to go from here.  It is like a merry-go-round, I just keep going around in a circle with the same information and feeling the same way but I haven’t been able to venture off this ride.