Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

Thoughts on Social Media in Today’s World.

Millie:  Ugh…this life….I just want it to be simpler.

Me: Not with all this technology.

Millie: I don’t know if that’s helping or hurting.

Me:  It’s too much knowledge, that is actually hurting us.  Social media is the biggest disaster.

Millie: Yea, I agree with that.

Me: That’s why i cant do it with the IG and FB, I shouldn’t know about whats going on with people who add no value to me and no one should get free access to my life.  You earn that by being someone special or close to me.  Social media leaves you without a guard up, in turn, there is no value on building on a relationship because you don’t need to make the effort.  For example, my mother would be satisfied by seeing my pictures, knowing my status updates and would never feel the need to miss me or feel like she’s missing something.  Why would I give the ease of justifying her negligence?  Same thing with any relationship.

Millie:  I guess i never thought of it that way.  I was just thinking in terms of providing more opportunities for people to be sneaky assholes.

Me:  The problem i feel with today’s society is… there are no boundaries, no secrets and abundance of opportunities to get information you’re looking for without ever having to go to the source and that goes for anything.  Someone might be IN LOVE WITH YOU, look at your pics everyday, knows everything about you but you will never know because he doesn’t need to tell you,  He can just click here and click there.  Without this shit.. men cud be gentlemen, women would be mysterious and you wouldn’t know about the last 10 years of exes!

Millie:  You just made shit real.  lol

Me:  It’s sad but true, that’s why i choose to stay out of sight.

Me: That’s why in the past, such as, I could get a random text asking me how I was doing and have an hour-long conversation about what I am up to from someone i don’t see and has no idea what i have actually been up too who might tell me I am pretty because that’s how he or she remembers me not because of the images i forced on someone’s feed.

Millie:  i have zero argument for your points. lol

Me:  lol

Millie:  They’re all 100% spot on.

Me:  I think about this stuff a lot.

Millie: I’ve never considered that and i don’t think that many people ever have.

Me:  Lol.  No one thinks of that!!!  Because society wants you to believe that social media unites people but it only gives them more of reason to never go beyond mediocre to get what they want,   if something is easy, you’re not winning,  you’re cheating somewhere and there are always repercussions

Millie: You need to post this theory somewhere.

Me: My blog?  No one will listen, no one wants to believe that, everyone wants life to be just that simple.

Millie: I just think it needs to be out there, write it on a piece of paper and staple it to a telephone pole.  You know, to further make your point. lol

Millie: I think they’re such good points and I’ve never heard anyone speak about social media that way.

Me:  Really??

Millie: Yea.  Like I’ve heard reasons why its bad but never those reasons.

Letting Go

IMG_8323[1]It has been awhile since I blogged.  First, because of vacation and Thanksgiving and then I have been super swamped at work.

Last month was kind of rocky for me.  I was very anxious and I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling but in the last few days, I managed to pick myself up again.  I started to remember what was important to me, well maybe not what’s important but rather what makes rational sense.

I have had all these fears about trust, betrayal, liars, failure, invasion, etc. and for what?  The fear only holds me back from moving on.  Trust is a big issue for me and it’s really something that I need to dismiss.  I can still be myself and be good to people and I shouldn’t have to worry or fear their betrayal because if they lie, cheat or damage the trust that is fine and do you know why?  The reason is at the end of the day, I will still have me. I will still be the person I was and the person I am.  Knowing that I did my best in whatever type of relationship I have whether it be friends, family or romance, I will know that I gave my best, I was honest and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The bottom line is that fear is a wasted emotion.  Rather than being an emotion it’s a thought that manifests into action by taking away action.  Fear has held me back for so many years in many aspects of my life and I am ready to let it go.  I am not going to worry or jeopardize my future because I am afraid of losing, missing, or getting hurt.

If you hurt me, the joke is on you.  Hurting me only shows pain in your reflection.  Lying to me, cheating me, that isn’t going to hurt me, it will hurt you because at the end, you will have lost the person who didn’t do those things to you and I will have the lost the person who did.  I think I win that battle.

I also realized that there are no mistakes.  There are only observers who judge us.  My so-called mistake may be a blessing that only I can see or only you can see.  Life still goes on.  Nothing in life is that detrimental (besides death related choices) that it can’t be fixed or handled or dealt with on a new path.  Just because you aren’t on the road you set out to travel on, doesn’t mean your destination isn’t where you are supposed to be.  Everything we do leading up to this moment hasn’t been made in vain.  If the oxygen is still running through our bodies and we wake up another day, whatever judgement that was passed on us yesterday has been released because we are still alive to do better.

I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore.  I am not going to be defeated anymore. That doesn’t mean I am fighting the fight, it just means that I am not going entertain the observers.  I am going to do the best I can with what I have and love my final destination because it is my journey and I chose it myself whether it was consciously or not.

Hump Day

English: Verrazano-Narrows Bridge

I don’t like today’s Daily Prompt: Reading Materials.  It isn’t challenging for my mind to think of why I read the blogs or books I read.  I don’t really read a lot and when I do, it is more of self-help books than anything else.

I am about to eat entirely too much for breakfast today.  Eight points on weight watchers scale of things.  Right now, I have only consumed about 5 points so I could stop there but I may be hungry in an hour go for the other 3 points.  We will see.

The company I work for has two floors and the corporate floor is the last floor in the building.  I went up to that 39th floor and looked out of the window.  Beautiful skies were touching the edges of the Verrazano Bridge.  I live right over that bridge and it seems so close from way up high but it takes forever to get home.  The city looked like it was stretching its arms in the morning sun.  Getting ready for another day of business as usual.

I totally caved and went for the 3 extra points!  I will eat very light for dinner.

 

Open Arms

The moment you stop caring, the world opens its arms to you.

My brother and I used to play a game when we were kids.  Say everything opposite.  So, if we wanted the night-time to be longer and not have the night feel as though we had just hit the pillow and the alarm would ring for school; we would say before we went to sleep, “tonight is going to go by so fast, it’s not even going to feel like we even slept.”

We used to play against the grain.  We would convince ourselves that what we wanted was ever going to be granted so we had to want the opposite for all our real desires to come true.

At such a young age,  I had branded life and all my dreams with thoughts of them never coming true.  That’s the past.

I am changing my life.  Piece by piece, day by day.  I am moving forward.  I won’t let anyone treat me like second fiddle and I won’t come second to my goals.  I am making myself first priority and those who can’t keep up, must quit and I am determined to never look back.

John Lennon [Daily Prompt: Imagine All the People]

Imagine Cover Art

The next time you’re in a public place — a coffeehouse, a park, a store — observe the people around you. Pick a person, a couple, or a group, and imagine what their lives might be like.Photographers, artists, poets: show us IMAGINE.

via Daily Prompt: Imagine All the People.

When  I read the title of this Daily Prompt, all I could think about was John Lennon singing those exact lines.

I always look at people on the bus or when we walked passed each other wonder what their lives are like, where they are going, what is happening to them but I can’t specifically pinpoint one person today.  I am at work and all the people here I am familiar with in one way or another so I can’t even attempt to imagine because I already have an idea.

I definitely always imagine what life is like on the inside of other people.  I wonder what their souls are like, if we are all similar at heart or if we all are beats of a different drums.

“Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world”

 – John Lennon

 

Tear Drops

There are so many things you want to shout out into the universe but you know your message is only meant for that one person who needs to hear it.

Sometimes you want to scream out and cry for no reason because you are scared of the world around you.  You have seen what it can do, the good and the bad.

It’s frustrating to live your life in fear of pain.  Somehow you can never get used to it.  You never feel like you can adapt to it.

It is so difficult to be positive when you have been hurt so many times.  Once you feel yourself slipping into vulnerability how do you stop the familiarities that have come with it before.

We all have our evil demons.  We all have our insecurities.  We certainly all at one point or another are face to face with what we fear.

Why is it that I worry?  Why is it that I think so negatively?  How do I make it stop?  How do I let go of the fear of losing?

The worry and the fear only attracts the worry and the fear.  If I know this, why have I found it so difficult to stop the cycle?

I have so many questions that go unanswered.  I have so many high hopes for my life but my fear hides the ambition in a drawer underneath all things unimportant.

Emotionally, today has been difficult and only I can understand why.  So why can’t I?

What Drives You to Share?

Ever wonder why entertainers entertain us? On the cruise, I watched a few shows after our dinner service and they were very entertaining but I couldn’t help but wonder what drives you and I to perform for an audience. Your performance can be over any genre and on any venue, but why do we do it?

Is it because we love to entertain others, to see their enjoyment of our talents that we can offer an audience who are interested? Or it an inner yearning for the recognition with wish to get from a simple clap, cheer or even standing ovation?

My question is as a performer, as a public blogger, do you or I do it for ourselves, the yearn for acceptance and recognition or to simply share our special talents with an audience in hopes to inspire others who may have doubted themselves? Do we do the things we do publicly for our yearn for acceptance, to show off our special talents or to purely entertain our audience?

quote-Walt-Disney-i-would-rather-entertain-and-hope-that-38825

Where do you find the most enjoyment? For the applauds you receive or for the smiles and laughter of the hearts and souls that you touch by sharing your special talents?

Why do we feel the need to express ourselves publicly, rather than keep it to ourselves? What are we looking for, searching for and wondering what our God-given talents really mean to ourselves and how it affects others that are able to absorb the skills that we throwing out into the universe?

Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Why do I want the world to see me and my talents in its raw form?”

Why do you blog, sing, dance, draw and feel to need to be driven to share? Is it for you or is it for us?

100 Years [Daily Prompt: From the Collection of the Artist]

It’s the year 2113. A major museum is running an exhibition on life and culture as it was in 2013. You’re asked to write an introduction for the show’s brochure. What will it say?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us RETROSPECTIVE.

via Daily Prompt: From the Collection of the Artist.

Call me cynical but I don’t feel like life will  become any more glamorous in 2113 than 2013.  I only see humanity falling into more self-destruction.

Let’s go back to 1913, shall we?  Women standing here at the National Woman’s Party of the United States.  Strong woman fighting for a cause, fighting for their equal rights and using their minds and soul to will the inevitable.

 

 

 

 

 

Now we fast forward to 2013.  Here we have girls who look barely legal  in Atlantic City, New Jersey, dressed in their underwear.  I mean underwear.  IMG_6998[1]This picture doesn’t even justify the attire as to the lack of clothing I had actually seen in person.  There was no sign of intelligence or equality that those women had fought long and hard for nearly 100 years ago.  The strength and sophistication had been lost on molly’s, alcohol and other upper substances.  I saw young girls that had lost their self-respect and the value of their souls and bodies, just to booty clap in high thongs and pasties on stage to receive the attention that they probably yearned for as a child.

I can’t imagine life for anyone to improve in 100 years from now unless we mentally crash and burn.  The only solution would be to start from scratch.  I see 2113 as having more technology, more division among people and that fact will be hidden by the goal and assumption that social media is and will bring us closer together.  The more we know about each other, the more information that is accessible to us only gives us more drama to play around with. Causing more issues between us.

I fear what it will be like 100 years from now but luckily I will be 128 years old and probably sitting in the clouds watching from above.  Hopefully our children and their children will have more sense than the generations before them.

Top Ten: Clingy

Ever have a guy/girl come on too strong?  It has only been a few weeks and you’re feeling the pressure?  Need to know the signs?  Sometimes little mental red flags aren’t enough.  You need a list that confirms you are not crazy and he/she is.

 

Take a look at the Top Ten ways to know your new guy or girl is too clingy.

  1. Sends you a text right after you give him/her your number saying something ridiculous about how you’re right next to each other.
  2. Calls you the day after you met to invite you to an intimate family party.
  3. Wants you to meet the parents after the second date.
  4. Brags how his parents know everything about you already but you have only hung out together 3-4 times in a 3 weeks span.
  5. Uses the word “we” when you are obviously implying “I”.
  6. Locks you in by offering lavishes gifts and vacations before you even get to know each other.
  7. Gets crazy mad if you go out with your friends and don’t invite him to come with you.
  8. Tells your friends how obsessed he/she is with you after only 2 weeks of dating.
  9. Will not leave your side if you are out in public.
  10. If your new guy or girl, goes psycho bananas about the time you didn’t spend together after only a few weeks; change your number.