Simply Difficult

Tick, tock, tick, tock… I hear a clock ticking but all the clocks around me are digital.

I have so much to say again, but I can’t find a way to say it.  I keep typing a sentence or two, then I erase it.  It’s not giving my thoughts the justification it deserves.  I hate staring at an empty page, while the cursor just blinks, yet I find myself watching the seconds go by doing just that.

I know there are so many people out there who have so much to say and do not know how to express their thoughts verbally, that is not my problem really, I just never know where to begin.  I am a kind of “in between” type of person, but I can’t begin or end anything because it honestly makes me anxious.  Why?  Because there are so many different angles to begin one single topic and I always want it to be the best start and the same goes for the ending.  The outcome is so important and you don’t want to drag something out because then the creation is lost in the failure of the lost ending.  I am not even sure that translates correctly out loud but I am sticking to it.

I went to the beach on Saturday, I usually do.  But I went with a good friend.  Define good friend?  Well the obvious, very good at being a friend in its raw definition, but also, a joy to be around.  This Saturday, was a true eye-opening experience.  You know the kind where you don’t even realize you’re having a reaction until someone points it out to you and it makes you see your subconscious come to life.  Kind of a validation of what your gut is saying to you for a while, your mind just confirms it and it’s always good when someone is around you who can let you know when it is happening.

My life in 2012, a crossroad, a time passed the point of understanding that I am an adult but before a time where I have settled into my own skin, owning my life, my decisions and reach for the things that I want for my future.  Before a time where I have figured out where I really want to be and what I really want to do.

So here I am, an adult and I am not sure what path I am supposed to be on.  I have hopes and dreams of “doing something”.  But it is just as vague as it sounds.  What is it?  It is difficult to think simple when you are trying so hard to be simplistic.  Ah, everyone else seems to have an idea at this point OR have settled for society’s choice working the 9 to 5 until retirement and trying to reach for a cookie cutter life that does not exist in the least bit.

Children are raised to believe in fairy tales.  Raise them with innocence and hope.  I believe to raise them with truth and ambition for a realistic future without discouraging their innocence.  This is a little bit off topic but don’t all things stem from childhood and upbringing?

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