I seem to have created my own little world of hell. My negativity level has reached an all time high. Like today, it is Saturday and it’s 8:15am, I should be laying in bed asleep because I wake up early everyday but I am not. I keep thinking I am going to wake up out of this nightmare inside my head but everyday my eyes open and I am still me.
I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for answers. The answers that apparently are all around me but I have a blindfold on, I guess. I feel like a raisin, dried up and lifeless. I know I am not old enough to feel this way. I refuse to believe that antidepressants or another human being can just fix me. We are all broken in one way or another and drugs just make us forget that we are sometimes or intensify it and make us want to commit suicide. Both options are not routes I prefer to take.
Let’s talk about love. Why is it so important? What is it? Why is it so important to some and not to others or how do they hide that it is, so well? My beliefs on this word has changed, been skewed, tainted, revived and died. Love should be defined as an illusion. I am actually sick of being obsessed with it actually. I don’t know why I care so much. I would rather be one of the people who can hide from it or put it in the back of my mind and never ever think about it. No one even wants to hear about this.
Moving on. Figuratively and literally. One harder than the other. I am only one perspective. I would like to erase my memories and begin a different perspective because this just does not work for me. Complaining and whining is never appealing and even people getting paid to listen don’t really want to hear it so I know that no one else wants to hear it.
We are born alone, we live each day alone and we die alone. Love is an illusion. You don’t share a life with someone, you share responsibilities, finances, a home, some time, arguments and different views on everything. But your life is still your own. You still wake up in your body, look through your eyes and think your ugly thoughts. No one shares that with you and no one really cares enough to be that interested in that. This is not emo, it is true to my 26-27 year observations. I don’t just base this off of ideas that bounce off the clouds.
We all chase an idea. An idea that happiness exists, that love is something we can hold onto and that there is a means to an end. But there is not. We as human beings on this earth have conditioned ourselves to believe that life has limits, rules and boundaries as far as emotions go and the purpose of our lives go. Yet, we have no idea what we are doing. No one is truly satisfied, the rich kill themselves with drugs, so money doesn’t make you happy; the poor find “love” and die from the stress of finances; the middle class have no time for anything let alone love, money or happiness and whoever else are in an insane asylum because they think differently than the majority. We make our goals based on intangible things. “I just want to be happy.” “I just want to be loved.” “I just want to be comfortable.” It is unrealistic and because we have been conditioned to feel that we can have these things, we become depressed when it’s unachievable. I am victim to that as well. I play the game no different, it is just that I am realizing what exists and what doesn’t, I just can’t figure out where to go from here. It is like a merry-go-round, I just keep going around in a circle with the same information and feeling the same way but I haven’t been able to venture off this ride.