Rants of the Unknown

There are so many creative people out there.  I wish I could truly believe I was one of them.  I mean, well, sometimes I think I am and sometimes, I feel like everything I produce is tired and shitty.  I guess it is normal.  We all feel like that sometimes.

I feel like I have so many clever things to say but when I begin to type, its just babble.  Hardly anyone wants to read someone else’s babble.  And that is because they are too busy trying to decode their own inner babble.  I think for someone who has never really said “babble”, I have just said it entirely too much.

I have been complaining about the same things for years now.  I am so sick of it, but apparently find pleasure in it because I take very little steps to change my path.  Ugh.  I am so tired of hearing these same words over and over.  Truth is I am so afraid of taking a risk although the thought of taking a huge risk, gives me an adrenaline rush, the first roller coaster ride you convince yourself to go on.  It is so scary waiting on that long line but once you do, there is no other feeling like it. It took me about 19 years to go on my first rollercoaster at Six Flags.  That is a long time.  I don’t have time like that anymore.

In 19 years, I will be on the verge of 46 years old.  I am pretty sure I have to figure this out a bit sooner.  Don’t you think? 

It is such a shame, life can be so simple without adding your emotions into it. I may have said this is all before but I really don’t care.  It we made decisions based on logic and rationality, the world would go round mechanically and well thought out with very few issues to consider.  Without emotion.  And why am I so against emotions?  Because every emotion I have ever had was no validated or justified in anyones eyes.  So I don’t trust emotions because they aren’t relationship, and to me, a sign of weakness. So no matter how strong I may be portrayed, I always feel weak.  I don’t want to lead with emotions yet, it is the only thing I do the most.  Otherwise, maybe I would allow myself to be happy and make decisions involving risks that I can rationalize or even not rationalize and just do it because that was my impulse and I could skip the part where I might be scared or be sad or be anxious.  It is nonsense and the worst part of all this is knowing that this is my problem but letting my feelings stop me from making any real changes.

I feel unmotivated.  I hate it.  I also feel up one day and down the next.  Like everyone else on this planet.  Except my father, who is oddly always happy.  I don’t get it.  He is trying to make me see what he sees but youth, yes I am going to say it, is waisted on the young.  The statement would have never been said for the first time if it wasn’t absolutely true. 

I am going to be 27 years old in a month and a half.  Young to some and old to some.  Three years from 30.  I am no longer a child, a teen, a college student, I am an adult and at that, I am a failing adult.  And what if, tomorrow I would lose my life.  What have I accomplished, what have I done besides complain about my failures to every breathing person that will listen to me.  The eye rolls and the frustrations of how they really feeling behind the text message, the instant message or the telephone/cellphone.  I haven’t done anything, I haven’t devised a plan, a real goal, an aspiration to do anything to lead me to anywhere but here.  Yes, I have ideas and I want to accomplish certain things but I have not taken any steps to get me there.  First, I blame myself, then I blame society for not allowing me to have the financial support I need to do ANYTHING, then I blame my mother for having me and having this body possessed with this tortured and self hating soul.  A soul that God gave this body that through sponge like childhood has absorbed all the insecurities of an ugly woman inside and out regardless of what I am in my own skin.  I will never get over it.  I need to overcome it yes, but it will never go away.


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