You’re Are Only As Smart As Your Computer

We live in a technological era.  Over the course of the last 25-30 years, we have seen the evolution of technology.  We have watched the beepers turn to cell phones , talking turn to texting, books turn to screens, knowledge turn from something we possess to something we can search at any given moment, cassettes turn to cd, vhs to dvd, etc., etc., etc.

We come from  a place where a person built skills and possessed information to become successful.  A place where the brain retained relevant information based on studies and memory.  Today, we are in a place where we are dependent on technology and the unlimited access to search for anything right at our fingertips.  Pro or Con?

Children of the 2000’s will never know a time where a computer was not in every home, a cell phone is not buzzing or ringing and communication isn’t running rapid through emails, texting and social media.  There will be no experiences like going to the library to research an assignment for school or someone simply ringing your doorbell to see if you want to play outside or someone calling your house and you not being home to answer.  We are always available because we have access to communicate at all times.  You can get in touch with me anytime you want because I have a device that I take with me everywhere because God Forbid I miss your call, text or email in the second that you sent it to me.

We don’t have to pick up a newspaper to find out the news, we honestly don’t even need cable television to watch a show or have the news anchored to us, because we can go to any site that has headlines to see what is going on and we can watch most shows through the internet now also.

Now the point I am trying to get at is, we have come so far in our society with technology and our intelligence as far as mastering the machine to ultimately make us more powerful through machinery.  But the downside to this, is the lack of time we use to exercise our brain as a whole.  We build less skills, when having unlimited access to information at all times and if we didn’t ever need to have skills ever again, there would be no downside but because all good things must come to an end, and what goes up must come down, our dependency will be the downfall of humanity.  When communications fail, if satellites are destroyed by spontaneous actions in space, if we are stripped of having the rights to attain such knowledge because it will lead to a powerless world or lack of control to those who claim to be in charge, then what?  We will be lost.  Especially the children of our future, who were not taught to build knowledge because they are accustomed to searching every answer to any question that is tossed at them or given complete instructions on how to build anything without mastering it independently of any technological assistance. 

What happens where we lose communications, if technology fails?  Then where will we find ourselves?  Without skills, retained knowledge and limited supply of tangible books.  Skills to abbreviate words and continuously use acronyms to belittle everything your trying to express will not help us when we return to mailing letters to keep in contact with each other and relying on tangible books to read without the acronyms.  To think we would have to return to using words that are grammatically correct and to write letters again that could exceed 140 characters.

There is always an upside and a downside to everything.  We always adapt but I hate to be naive and not protect myself from machine and networking failing.  So my advice, keep reading, continue to learn and not rely so much on what you can find as opposed to what you can learn and obtain in yourself.  One day your skills and your knowledge can possess the power that you may have never dreamed of having because you weren’t solely dependent on satellites and machinery.

As cliché and as old as a saying this may be, “Knowledge is Power”, don’t let them rob you of the power you can posses independently.

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Love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

I seem to have created my own little world of hell.  My negativity level has reached an all time high.  Like today, it is Saturday and it’s 8:15am, I should be laying in bed asleep because I wake up early everyday but I am not.   I keep thinking I am going to wake up out of this nightmare inside my head but everyday my eyes open and I am still me.

I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for answers.  The answers that apparently are all around me but I have a blindfold on, I guess.  I feel like a raisin, dried up and lifeless.  I know I am not old enough to feel this way.  I refuse to believe that antidepressants or another human being can just fix me.  We are all broken in one way or another and drugs just make us forget that we are sometimes or intensify it and make us want to commit suicide.  Both options are not routes I prefer to take.

Let’s talk about love.  Why is it so important?  What is it?  Why is it so important to some and not to others or how do they hide that it is, so well?  My beliefs on this word has changed, been skewed, tainted, revived and died.  Love should be defined as an illusion.  I am actually sick of being obsessed with it actually.  I don’t know why I care so much.  I would rather be one of the people who can hide from it or put it in the back of my mind and never ever think about it.  No one even wants to hear about this.

Moving on.  Figuratively and literally.  One harder than the other.  I am only one perspective.  I would like to erase my memories and begin a different perspective because this just does not work for me.  Complaining and whining is never appealing and even people getting paid to listen don’t really want to hear it so I know that no one else wants to hear it.

We are born alone, we live each day alone and we die alone.  Love is an illusion.  You don’t share a life with someone, you share responsibilities, finances,  a home, some time, arguments and different views on everything.   But your life is still your own.  You still wake up in your body, look through your eyes and think your ugly thoughts.  No one shares that with you and no one really cares enough to be that interested in that.  This is not emo, it is true to my 26-27 year observations.  I don’t just base this off of ideas that bounce off the clouds.

We all chase an idea.  An idea that happiness exists, that love is something we can hold onto and that there is a means to an end.  But there is not.  We as human beings on this earth have conditioned ourselves to believe that life has limits, rules and boundaries as far as emotions go and the purpose of our lives go.  Yet, we have no idea what we are doing.  No one is truly satisfied, the rich kill themselves with drugs, so money doesn’t make you happy; the poor find “love” and die from the stress of finances; the middle class have no time for anything let alone love, money or happiness and whoever else are in an insane asylum because they think differently than the majority.  We make our goals based on intangible things.  “I just want to be happy.”   “I just want to be loved.”  “I just want to be comfortable.”  It is unrealistic and because we have been conditioned to feel that we can have these things, we become depressed when it’s unachievable.  I am victim to that as well.  I play the game no different, it is just that I am realizing what exists and what doesn’t, I just can’t figure out where to go from here.  It is like a merry-go-round, I just keep going around in a circle with the same information and feeling the same way but I haven’t been able to venture off this ride.

Rants of the Unknown

There are so many creative people out there.  I wish I could truly believe I was one of them.  I mean, well, sometimes I think I am and sometimes, I feel like everything I produce is tired and shitty.  I guess it is normal.  We all feel like that sometimes.

I feel like I have so many clever things to say but when I begin to type, its just babble.  Hardly anyone wants to read someone else’s babble.  And that is because they are too busy trying to decode their own inner babble.  I think for someone who has never really said “babble”, I have just said it entirely too much.

I have been complaining about the same things for years now.  I am so sick of it, but apparently find pleasure in it because I take very little steps to change my path.  Ugh.  I am so tired of hearing these same words over and over.  Truth is I am so afraid of taking a risk although the thought of taking a huge risk, gives me an adrenaline rush, the first roller coaster ride you convince yourself to go on.  It is so scary waiting on that long line but once you do, there is no other feeling like it. It took me about 19 years to go on my first rollercoaster at Six Flags.  That is a long time.  I don’t have time like that anymore.

In 19 years, I will be on the verge of 46 years old.  I am pretty sure I have to figure this out a bit sooner.  Don’t you think? 

It is such a shame, life can be so simple without adding your emotions into it. I may have said this is all before but I really don’t care.  It we made decisions based on logic and rationality, the world would go round mechanically and well thought out with very few issues to consider.  Without emotion.  And why am I so against emotions?  Because every emotion I have ever had was no validated or justified in anyones eyes.  So I don’t trust emotions because they aren’t relationship, and to me, a sign of weakness. So no matter how strong I may be portrayed, I always feel weak.  I don’t want to lead with emotions yet, it is the only thing I do the most.  Otherwise, maybe I would allow myself to be happy and make decisions involving risks that I can rationalize or even not rationalize and just do it because that was my impulse and I could skip the part where I might be scared or be sad or be anxious.  It is nonsense and the worst part of all this is knowing that this is my problem but letting my feelings stop me from making any real changes.

I feel unmotivated.  I hate it.  I also feel up one day and down the next.  Like everyone else on this planet.  Except my father, who is oddly always happy.  I don’t get it.  He is trying to make me see what he sees but youth, yes I am going to say it, is waisted on the young.  The statement would have never been said for the first time if it wasn’t absolutely true. 

I am going to be 27 years old in a month and a half.  Young to some and old to some.  Three years from 30.  I am no longer a child, a teen, a college student, I am an adult and at that, I am a failing adult.  And what if, tomorrow I would lose my life.  What have I accomplished, what have I done besides complain about my failures to every breathing person that will listen to me.  The eye rolls and the frustrations of how they really feeling behind the text message, the instant message or the telephone/cellphone.  I haven’t done anything, I haven’t devised a plan, a real goal, an aspiration to do anything to lead me to anywhere but here.  Yes, I have ideas and I want to accomplish certain things but I have not taken any steps to get me there.  First, I blame myself, then I blame society for not allowing me to have the financial support I need to do ANYTHING, then I blame my mother for having me and having this body possessed with this tortured and self hating soul.  A soul that God gave this body that through sponge like childhood has absorbed all the insecurities of an ugly woman inside and out regardless of what I am in my own skin.  I will never get over it.  I need to overcome it yes, but it will never go away.