I haven’t been really posting anything lately. I wonder if anyone has noticed. Needless to say, I have not been myself in the past few months which should give me all the more reason to be creating, I suppose. That does not seem to be the case as I have many things I want to create but no motivation to do so. That is a poor excuse. I realize this as I am writing.
I am in a very unhappy point in my life. I guess I am currently taking my life for granted since I am lucky to be in good health and have a family who are there for me when it counts. We all have our issues, we have all been hurt, but nothing truly satisfies me. Some call this depression, I call it, holding myself to a higher standard that even I don’t believe I can reach… sometimes.
Logically, it is very easy to make decisions. “Logically.” Where emotions are concerned, logic is lost on the lonely. It is very easy to tell yourself, “this situation is not best for my future so today will be the day, I will take steps to change the path I am on”. Then your feelings kick in, whatever feelings pertain to that logical decision that you think you are about to make completely erase all the progress you thought you had made. And you are back to square one.
The end of April, I will be turning 27 years old. I am not married, I am working one year at my job, I still haven’t figured out what my God-given plan is for my life, I have no children of my own and I am very much unsettled but I am not single. I have finance trouble, I have confidence trouble, I have insecurities, I am not insecure enough to admit what my faults are, which should certainly count for something…I guess. I have identity issues although that is slowly, very slowly finding a path. I have anxiety all the time; since I am 9 years old, I have been writing in a journal about how anxious I am. Why? I still don’t know.
I am HEALTHY. Thank you GOD and with that I should JUST BE HAPPY! I wish I could be that rational.
Biggest Problem: I believe in LOVE. And I believe that is my biggest downfall. Agree, disagree? Agree to disagree.
I love more when it hurts the most, why is that? In some odd and twisted way, pain attracts me and suffering through everyday keeps me. A therapist said in so many words, that it is because being hurt is what I have become comfortable with and I know how to handle it or deal with that pain, not necessarily liking the feeling but fearing what happiness would be like because I have never given myself a chance to feel that way or had the opportunity for that matter. I guess that makes sense to a certain extent.
I don’t have anything figured out. I work hard everyday at everything that I partake in, whether it be my job, my relationship, my finances, the maintenance of my apt(as best I can) and whatever else.
Kevin Costner spoke at Whitney Houston’s Funeral and he mentioned, (I am paraphrasing this, of course) but he mentioned how Whitney was so nervous for her audition for The Bodyguard. Whitney Houston, this amazing voice. A voice that I prayed for and tried to replicate, was insecure. She was one of the Greatest Singers of All time. She used to sing and her bottom lip would move up and down when she belted out a high note and I tried to replicate that as best as I could. I am no Whitney Houston, but I tried so bad to come close at age 10. The point is, we are all insecure, even at our finest hour. Why?
So, I haven’t been deemed greatest of anything, I guess leaving me with all the more reason to be insecure. BUT in knowing this and wanting to be able to achieve something that can be considered one of the greatest, will still cause me to be insecure about something else.
Does one every achieve true and pure satisfaction? Or is love and happiness an illusion? I am not even concerned with money, I just want to be anything more than average. I want you all to know that I was here. I want to add something not subtract.
Who can identify? Or am I the only one who will admit insecurities?