She has been struggling to export her thoughts. She wants to write something powerful but lately she has been only thinking about what she can write that will appeal to an audience; to get someone to just listen to her. To her it feels like when she speaks no one is listening and now it is becoming all to familiar when she writes. She sat on the bus once again thinking, “what am I doing wrong?” Then it came to her, why has it become so important to get an audience? She has so much creative energy; if she wrote for herself, that would be enough. She has been searching her whole life on how to make them all see her but she goes unnoticed. Has it really taken this long to realize that what she has to offer has been inside her all along?
She searches her soul, uncovering the answers to many questions but it is the solutions that are lost and have yet to be found. It has already been a journey in itself and she hasn’t even begun to use the things that she has learned so far. Her thoughts are on loop, playing the same tracks of the past, present and future over and over, just trying to find a meaning or an interpretation of what they mean and how they are all related. Each experience has led her to the next, why? She is constantly thinking about the conclusion but she is missing out on the plot, the trials and the triumphs. Although, she is aware of this, it is hard for her to let go and live through the decisions that she makes today. Again, she thinks what made me this way? She refuses to take full responsibility for herself, for the decisions she does make and the reasons why she makes them.
She drifts. She forever wonders if someone feels as confused about life as she does. It seems like everyone has their lives figured out or at least have a goal and path. She can’t figure out what she is meant for. She is hellbent on having a purpose and doing something that holds substance. She needs to have a reason. She can’t think of what makes her happy or what she wants. All she can think of is, what will fulfill her and not being able to figure it out yet. Is patience really what she needs to have? She feels she has to keep looking, searching, and researching to find what it is that will fulfill her life. Why does she have this need? “What can’t I be like everyone else and just go with the flow?” She keeps asking herself over and over.
There are so many aspects and alleys of her life that she is trying to figure out all at once. That doesn’t seem like that is helpful. She feels lost with a sense of direction. The directions are to find out what is out there for her to embrace but she’s lost is where to begin. Even in her writing, she never can find the right beginning, she wishes she can start at the end first. Work her way back. If seems to feel like that in her reality, that she is also working her way back from today, which could be why she can’t find “moving forward” on the map.
She is determined to find what ever her subconscious is looking for. She thinks, “if only I knew what I was looking for.” And if only she did, this journey wouldn’t be a journey at all but just a walk in the park with her properly trained Pomeranian on a beautiful Fall day with a wallet bursting at the seams and Mr. Right on her arm.