Scrabble of Thoughts

We have so many predetermined expectations and perceptions on how certain aspects our of lives should be, like how we love and what that should feel like and what it should mean.  I am finding out on my own that these predetermined expectations and standards are unrealistic and unmanageable.  There is quite a feeling of uncertainty that coincides with loving someone and receiving love in return.  I have come to this realization by the observation of the music I like and listen to.  Most music that I hear and written about one person pining over the other.  Regardless of gender, the yearning is just the same through these lyrics.  The pining lyrics actually trigger a justification in the obsession one can carry for another person.  This is to me is a false justification.  Now let me explain why.

I love music.  It is so beautiful, I love the sounds of actually instruments rather than bass, bass, bass.  I always listen to the lyrics, listen to what they say literally and what they may mean and the words can relate to me  personally.  Most songs I hear are about love, typically because they are slower songs, pronounced voice and good instrumental backgrounds.  The lyrics led me to hope for, to pine for  a love that doesn’t exist.  I grew up with an idea of love that you give yourself to another person, you do what ever it takes to make that person happy and sacrificing your own happiness may be a result but you receive the ultimate gift and response that is, the love that person gives back to you.

My idea of love is twisted backwards.

Life Is Work and We’re All On the Payroll

She has been struggling to export her thoughts.  She wants to write something powerful but lately she has been only thinking about what she can write that will appeal to an audience; to get someone to just listen to her.  To her it feels like when she speaks no one is listening and now it is becoming all to familiar when she writes.  She sat on the bus once again thinking, “what am I doing wrong?”  Then it came to her, why has it become so important to get an audience?  She has so much creative energy; if she wrote for herself, that would be enough.  She has been searching her whole life on how to make them all see her but she goes unnoticed.  Has it really taken this long to realize that what she has to offer has been inside her all along?

She searches her soul, uncovering the answers to many questions but it is the solutions that are lost and have yet to be found.  It has already been a journey in itself and she hasn’t even begun to use the things that she has learned so far.  Her thoughts are on loop, playing the same tracks of the past, present and future over and over, just trying to find a meaning or an interpretation of what they mean and how they are all related.  Each experience has led her to the next, why?  She is constantly thinking about the conclusion but she is missing out on the plot, the trials and the triumphs.  Although, she is aware of this, it is hard for her to let go and live through the decisions that she makes today.  Again, she thinks what made me this way?  She refuses to take full responsibility for herself, for the decisions she does make and the reasons why she makes them.

She drifts.  She forever wonders if someone feels as confused about life as she does.  It seems like everyone has their lives figured out or at least have a goal and path.  She can’t figure out what she is meant for.  She is hellbent on having a purpose and doing something that holds substance.  She needs to have a reason.   She can’t think of what makes her happy or what she wants.  All she can think of is, what will fulfill her and not being able to figure it out yet.  Is patience really what she needs to have?  She feels she has to keep looking,  searching, and researching to find what it is that will fulfill her life.  Why does she have this need?  “What can’t I be like everyone else and just go with the flow?”  She keeps asking herself over and over.

There are so many aspects and alleys of her life that she is trying to figure out all at once.  That doesn’t seem like that is helpful.  She feels lost with a sense of direction.  The directions are to find out what is out there for her to embrace but she’s lost is where to begin.  Even in her writing, she never can find the right beginning, she wishes she can start at the end first.  Work her way back.  If seems to feel like that in her reality, that she is also working her way back from today, which could be why she can’t find “moving forward” on the map.

She is determined to find what ever her subconscious is looking for.  She thinks, “if only I knew what I was looking for.”   And if only she did, this journey wouldn’t be a journey at all but just a walk in the park with her properly trained Pomeranian on a beautiful Fall day with a wallet bursting at the seams and Mr. Right on her arm.

Thought Bubbles

What we decide is acceptable and unacceptable but isn’t it up to an individuals perspective?

I was sitting on my desk today and I sneezed.  “Bless You” or “Ga Bless You” (because God forbid someone says “God”) but I digress.  A sneeze, a noise the body makes that we as people have accepted is not an embarrassing sound, it seems more like a dangerous occurrence which is proven by our response “Bless You”(even if God is not included in this saying, um who is blessing me?  It is still implied.  Ah ignorance)  A sneeze can sound differently from where ever it comes from but it almost always gets the same response.  Notice though, when you burp or make any other natural sound with your body, that is unacceptable and frowned upon.  It is strange what we allow ourselves to accept and disapprove of.  All natural occurrences of the body, yet we pick and chose what is embarrassing and what is not.

In New York City, there is a word or possibly it is a sound that New Yorkers make and not all of them but I noticed in the Italian community.  The word is “Youse”.  I personally have been saying this since I could talk because my family has been saying it since I was born and before.  “Youse want sumthin’ ta eat? What are youse doin?  When youse going?” etc.  For people who aren’t around these New Yorkers from that particular culture or any culture that does use this word, they are baffled and confused when they hear, “youse”.  It is something I grew up on and it is the incorrect way of saying, “You all”.  I like it though.  It makes sense to me.  Here’s my concern though.  Why is it incorrect to say, “youse” but “Sexting” was added into the dictionary as a word? Sexting rhymes with texting but it is about sex? Sounds just as ridiculous, too.   “Youse” is used in a large community of people just as texting terms are used in a community of people.  I have said this word since I am a child, whether it is correct or not, part of the English language or not, there are other people besides myself who understand this word and USE it as much or even more than I do.  Yet making up a word for dirty texting is more respected than saying “youse” to refer to when talking to more than one person.  We pick and choose what is acceptable yet again.

iPhone hits Home

Where there is death, there is birth.  Riding on the Express Bus from Staten Island to Manhattan, I saw lines of people awaiting the opening of various cell phone company store fronts.  That baffles my mind and I will tell you why.

I was on the bus at 6:50 AM.  Yes, AM and as painful as that sounds alone, I couldn’t imagine waiting in line for a cell phone.  I dread waking up early everyday, going to work and THEY are paying ME to be there.  So I can’t see waking up early, waiting in line and handing MY money over to someone else and putting all my own effort into being there.  Ok, you will say, “But I got this crazy awesomesauce iPhone and I got it the day it came out!”  Do you want a slow clap?

So, here’s how I see it, I am giving away money that I earned to have the slightly updated version of the phone I already have and probably bought less than a year ago and  I am waking up early to make sure that it is not sold out when I could probably get the same phone a few weeks later on my own time, when I have saved the money, when my contract is about to give me an upgrade or just keep the phone I have now because an upgrade isn’t better than something totally new and different that hasn’t even hit the market yet.

I get it, a cell phone nowadays is a necessity because God forbid someone tried to call us and we weren’t there to answer or ignore it and let the voice mail get it.  Phones are everywhere you are and I get that, it is the time that we live in, even though before cell phones people still managed to get through life.  “But how?”  Probably because we were less obsessed with each other as a society, which to me is probably healthier than where we are now as a society but I digress.

So my point is, I could never wait in line for something so miniscule and I don’t think I can ever understand the importance of all the effort.  I am no hypocrite either, I have a cell phone, I have material things that I use on daily basis that I have become accustomed to having everyday of my life BUT I also see the ridiculous-ness in that and strive to manage it differently if I possibly could.

Believe me, I know we all have to make a living and those people waiting in line are our tickets to doing so but I just wish that what we were selling had more depth at least something we could really be proud of.  Something that will add value to this world that is slowly crumbling over time, where talent is being pushed out but artificial substitutes are being welcomed because it is easier.

The easier life’s projects become for us, the less we have to do.  You think that sounds ideal but every life needs a purpose.  Fighting through the hard times makes life worth living because every result is one that you have earned by your own hand not by the hands of someone else.  Steve Jobs had a purpose founding these revolutionary technologies but we, who hold his product add no value by having it.

The questions for us, individually are, “What am I going to do to give my life purpose, what impact will I make, what value will I add, how will my talents show, how will hard work lead me to self-worth and satisfaction and how hard will I work for myself?”

Dirty Laundry

She tries not to think about the events that had recently took place, they have already wasted too much time.  So, she listens to tunes from Frank Sinatra, it reminds her of the good times in her childhood.  Her father would listen to the sounds of Sinatra on summer nights and it reminded her when she had a family.  A real family.  One where there was a mother and a father, where the lines of parents and children weren’t blurred.  Not to say, family life was perfect but there was a structure and dynamic, somewhat of a normal reality.  Her parents where always on opposite ends of the spectrum but she saw her parents, together.  Those are the only memories of a family she has, ones that she will hold onto forever.  Now her family is modified and the feelings for her family are modified.  She harbors guilt and responsibility for the family she has left but fear prevents her to deal with them or handle what she feels so she hides, only doing the bare minimum.  Regret will follow.

Once again, she engages in her morning routine.  She looks at this man she loves so deeply as he sleeps.  He is so peaceful in the night.  No one to play tug of war with his limbs.

She feels so many different emotions lately and she really prefers not to feel anything at all at this point.  She envies those who can just go with the flow and never worry about consequences.  She would prefer to leave her memories and her sadness on clothes pins outside the window and let the wind wisp them away but that seems to be an impossible reality.  She will continue to find new ways to fix herself and hand wash her sorrows until they are clean to hold her over for a few days until new dirt sets in.

A Penny Among Quarters

She sat on the bus wondering, “what is all this meant for?”  She realizes that, she, like all others will pass on and her body will one day be a lifeless science experiment.  So why isn’t she embracing life and the simplicity it has to offer?  She is wasting away at her desk, one dragging moment at a time.   Her time is being taken from her for a piece of paper that everyone will cut throats to have more of.

She is alone, no one understands her.  She begins to drift away as these thoughts swish around in my mind.

“Where there is power, there is money and where there is money, there is blood but no answers.  Power and money at the hands of someone else’ blood and not even to be able to know the answers to worldwide questions such as why we need all this and what our purpose of living is.  Religion has its vague responses and scientists have theirs.  Why are we here?  Why are generations of people coming and going?  We work our lives into the ground for no real result because at any moment, it could end and we can’t take anything with us.  So why is it important now?

Peel the onion, lift the layers and go to the core.  You are a mind and a body.  What do we NEED to survive?  Clean air, water, fuel(food), peace.  After that and before the extras, what are we supposed to do with what we are given upon birth?  Make an impact?  Why?  Believe me, I want to make an impact and do something great but why?  You can’t take anything tangible with you upon death and we don’t know if there is consciousness after death to take anything that we have learned mentally.

We are supposed to be “good people”.  Do you know why?  So we don’t jeopardize lives of other people.  We have to be safe and be trustworthy in the least amount so that the world will go round.  Every day you trust someone, whether you are conscious of it or not.  You trust the bus driver won’t just suddenly decide to drive off the bridge or drive full speed into a wall.  You trust that no one will harm you at work or when you are shopping.  You trust that no matter how rude a person will be, they most likely won’t try to harm you violently or attack you in any way.  If you didn’t trust you would like in a cave because you wouldn’t trust the workers who built your home, the people you work for or the workers who prepare the food in any setting.   We are born and raised to put our faith in other human beings like ourselves.  Why?”

Is she the first person to ask, what is the purpose?  She knows the answer is no.  She is not even the trillionth person.  From the beginning of time, there was a “you” and a “me” in every generation with thoughts that were similar.  She is not sure what she is working towards, she realizes that none of these material things, tangible things excite her.  She does not find happiness having “stuff”.  For years, she keeps asking herself, “Why can’t I be happy?”  She may have realized that working her life into the ground to get material things is not her idea of a fulfilling life.  She needs something different.  She doesn’t want objects but what does she want?  She can’t figure out what will bring her happiness because right now all she is brought is pain and heartache.  She also realizes that this pain and heartache is a waste of time because what is it for?  How does this benefit any purpose that her life might have?  She has so many questions that will forever go unanswered.

She thinks to herself, something must change in her life.  She needs to do something drastic.  She needs to do something that makes her feel her worth.  Right now, her self worth appears to be as much as a penny does among quarters.

Two Sides of a Coin

She looks in the mirror everyday and sees a woman; someone she never ever recognizes.  “Who are you?”

She wakes up early and turns off the morning alarm.  It’s dark, cold and frustrating taking those first staggering steps to the shower.  “Ahhh…!”  The light is so bright and alarming.  Point taken, she is awake.  She likes the water a scolding hot temperature; coincidentally just how she likes her men.  Always scolding her and always hot tempered.  The biggest question each morning is, “should I wash my hair?”  She stands under the beating water, like a continuous marching band exploring her body simultaneously.  She hates routine, yet she finds herself repeating the same steps each morning that starts her long day.

He sleeps as though the world has stopped rotating, time has stood still and has allowed him to take this time to rest, even if just a few hours a night.  She gets ready, doing her hair (washed or unwashed), applying light makeup to her face and finding the right clothes to face the day.  He doesn’t even move, just lightly snores into the next phase of the dream he almost never remembers.

She loves him.  She notices he is there sleeping, partially jealous that she isn’t sleeping too but he has the late shift tonight so he’s “allowed”.  She thinks about him as she starts off her day and has no confidence that he will give her a thought as he prepares for his day.  She still loves him.

He wakes up hours later, scrambles eggs with whole milk and spinach and smothers it will only half a slice of yellow American cheese.  Toasts 2 pieces of whole wheat slice bread and pours himself a glass half filled with orange juice and half filled with lemon seltzer.  He sits, he eats and he thinks about all the things he is unable to say throughout the day to anyone.  He thinks of all the words he will forever lock up in his mind, in his heart to avoid feeling whatever it is that he fears the most.  After breakfast, he makes a list of things that he should do, on his down time, in hopes that he will feel accomplished and worth something.  Unfortunately, his self worth diminishes every time he reflects on mistakes he has made in the past.  Pass, is something he can’t seem to do when it comes to error.

Happiness: Contact High so Breathe In Deep

I had a three day weekend.  It was perfect.  Three days off and four days on, is the perfect balance to a healthy life.  I was excited to go to work today, I was well rested and I just felt at ease.  Too bad life is not always fair, back to the grind, woke up this morning to find that my alarm which still says it is on and functioning, did not go off this morning, leaving me about 20 minutes to do only what desperately needed to be done.  Shower, brush teeth/hair, get dressed and run out the door without my yoga clothes, yoga mat, makeup, contacts, sanity, etc.  First time my alarm didn’t go off since I started working at this job.  How fitting.

Well, better late than never!  I just finished watching the first season of Dexter!  Whoa, wow, whew, you need to pace around the room and a shot of jack after watching one episode.  Watching that is like having someone say, “don’t look now, but xyz is behind you with his new gf” and you don’t want to look but you have to look.  That is how I feel about Dexter, the suspense kills me but I have to know what happens next.  I am hooked and I am only 4 seasons behind now.  Shhh.. don’t tell me what happens.

The scarecrows are out and reppin’ it hard for Halloween.   Four days into October, now that is dedication for seasonal decorations.  I don’t decorate, I have a side apt so no one would see anyway.  I never was a big fan of Halloween, I liked the candy but I never liked to go up to “stranger(s)” door steps and ask for candy, especially when you parents drill into you, “Don’t talk to strangers or eat anything that a stranger gives you”.  Holidays aren’t the same anymore, I thought at first it was because I don’t see through the eyes of a child anymore but it is not.  Halloween crowds are way smaller, more parents work leaving less time before dark to “Trick or Treat”.  If anything, there is more of the mischievous tricks then there are sweet treats.  I dressed up as a child in the costumes that were home made by my mother.

  • Cat: Black stretchies,  black shirt, felt ears glued on a blackhead back and tail pinned on my butt.
  • 50’s girl:  white shirt, white kix, a pink dress with a poodle hot glued on and a pony tail.
  • French Maid: Nylon skirt with ruffles, apron pinned up, black shirt, duster and some red lipstick.

Just to name a few.

I don’t usually mention my mother.  You will notice but you will not know why.  Not now, at least.  We will leave that alone… for now.

I’m still using this long weekend to get me through today.  Riding on that happiness high for a just a wee bit longer.  Do you blame me?  It is very rare, that I shut out the negative and  hold on to the positive, so I am going to ride this one out.

There is a lot you won’t know about me and a lot I cannot hide.  That may not make sense to you but it makes a world of sense to me somehow.  I view the world through different eyes, I try to experience life in all perspectives, something that my past has taught me to do, I just haven’t figured out if this defense mechanism will benefit me or lead me to my own demise.

Time will Tell.