Change in Forecast

It is completely amazing how from morning to night, your perspective can change so much.  Sometimes, you let yourself think about the past and the aspirations you had before and it can really get you down.  Then you go out into the world and life happens and you remember that the present is the best time to feel alive.  One small encounter can make you completely dismiss all the negative thoughts you had, even moments later.

Life is truly a learning experience, not sure where that experience takes you but it will be an adventure in itself just to find out.  We all have these hopes, dreams and goals, but life definitely doesn’t go the way you plan it in your head.  We are all human beings with the power and the will to change our path which leaves us with the variables and obstacles that make us stronger people.  I am the strongest today then I have been in years.  I make decisions that change my life everyday.  It is such a good feeling to be so free and have the will to do what needs to be done.  Yes, sometimes the choices we make can be hard and they can even break your heart but once you remember that your love for yourself is the strongest love of all, you will survive.  And I have survived. I have seen things and been through things that others may not see and feel in their lifetime but all of the experiences I have had has brought me to be the woman I am right now.

We all have our weak moments.  For me, I wear them on my sleeve, I need to vent it out to the world but as soon as I do, I am so much better for it.  Being so happy in my own skin has made me feel like I can conquer anything.  And you know what, maybe love shouldn’t be illegal because it promotes growth.  To be honest, I am the best I have ever looked in my life, the healthiest I have ever been, more focused and motivated than ever before and there is a reason for that.  It is because I have made the decisions and the choices that needed to be made and I have conquered my fears by doing so.  I am able to be comfortable alone and around other people.  I am learning not to let anxiety and fear conquer me.

I know who I am and those little set backs are there to remind me of how far I have come.  It is the best time to be alive for me right now.  It feels amazing to wake up every morning knowing that I can thank God for my health, my independence and having the people who love me be there to support me and uplift me.  When the negativity starts to seep through to draw me away from all my success, it is only the challenge to build myself back up.  And I am a born fighter.  I accept the challenge and I am so free.  Life is crazy, no doubt but we have to make this crazy life worthwhile.  It is all we have and what is the point if we don’t make the best of it.

I am 31 years old and I am so ready for the challenges ahead of me.  I am so happy to be where I am right now.  This entry is to show the universe that you can prevail and you can’t let a weak moment determine who you are or dictate where you go next.  I am so thankful to God for my life and for the people in my life and I honestly wouldn’t want to change a single thing.

I am glad I wrote my blog earlier because it allowed me to visualize my thoughts in front of me and remember why I am where I am now.  Life is crazy but life is oh so good because a low moment can be lifted up high so instantaneously.  And that is what makes each day worth it.

Thank you for listening.  I hope that this encouragement not only inspires myself but to the others that view this.  Send positive vibes out into the world and the world will be yours.

Love Should Be Illegal

I didn’t want to leave.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but he had a different timeline and a different plan for his life.  And unfortunately, he had been pushing me away to leave for a while before I could even catch on.  I see it now, he just didn’t want to hurt me.  Why does love have to hurt so much?

I hope someone loves me enough to keep me.  Is he out there?  I thought I didn’t want to love ever again but I do.  I really do.  I just want to be happy and make someone happy.  I just want to settle down and really be in love.

I really wish it could have been him but I guess the one who loves more always does wish that when it doesn’t work out.  I thought leaving, he would realize how good we were together and make an effort to compromise but he realized we were better off as friends and he needed to concentrate on his career.  It all works out how it’s supposed to but one person always hurts more.

I guess I can’t dwell on this, I have to actually move on and I was but I hit a bump in the road.  I have to get back on the path and let go of what has past.  Maybe he was the love of my life but I just wasn’t his.  Or maybe I am just lonely and have lost my focus.

I can deal with a booty call, I can’t deal with all this emotion.  I need to regain numbness because I can’t allow myself to shed tears for anyone who doesn’t want me.  Life is crazy.  Love should be illegal.

Later Daze,

Lil Red

Thirty on the Thirtieth – Ten Day Countdown Begins…

Feeling 30, feeling dirty, feeling flirty, feeling blue.

My birthday is in 10 days.  At 4:10am EST, April 30th, I will be 30.  It shouldn’t be a big deal.  It shouldn’t even be any different from any other birthday but it is.  It really is.  It seems to have transformed how I think about my life on a daily basis.

I have intensely questioned my self-worth, my career choices, my relationships, my friends and quite negatively deemed myself as a complete failure thus far.

Oh, I know, I just chuckled too!  Look at me, pity party for one.  The last 29 years have been a complete waste of time, at least, that is just how it looks to me so far.

I am examining myself, like ‘what have you done that matters?’, ‘what is your purpose since being young is no longer an option?’.  Is it losing the youth that bothers me?  No.  It is not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now.  And having this pit in my stomach about how I might never get to where I want to be in enough time to enjoy it.  I know it sounds silly but I really can’t help how I have been feeling lately.

I take a look at my life right now, I have an okay job working for a corporate office as an admin.  I am bringing home a paycheck, thank God for that.  I am not married, not single, but not married with no real clear view on if that is going to ever happen or if it even should and I have no children which scares me to death because after 30, it can start to be difficult.  I have maybe 10 good years left for healthy eggs and that is a huge maybe since I have taken birth control since the womb or though it seems.

So now what, I have 10 days to get rich, get married, have a child and be right on track for 30!  Right?!  Wrong.  Obviously, that isn’t how life works, life doesn’t even work like that if I had taken the last 10 years to actually prep for this moment.  So ‘what should I have done differently?’, I mean really, how could I even know the answer to that?  Life is pretty funny like that because maybe if I made a left instead of right, 4 years ago, I would be in Kentucky and not New York or I would still be right here, complaining.  You just don’t know.  Or do you?  I definitely don’t.

Nonetheless, it is bugging me.  I can’t shake it.  The truth is though, realistically, on April 30th, I am going to wake up and say thanks to the birthday wishes, smile and say ‘yes, today’s my birthday, I am 30’.  What else is going to change? Nothing.  I don’t even think I am even doing anything special for my birthday.  Mainly because I just didn’t want to throw myself a party. That just seems so self-celebrating, if that’s even a thing.  Apparently, it’s just not really a big deal to turn 30.  I thought if it was celebrated like it was then maybe I would lose sight of how disappointed I am in myself for being so far behind my expectations.

I just don’t have a clear view of what I even want anymore since everything I imagined would be now is dust in the wind.  I am passing the finish line but it is only because it is the same line as the starting line.  So others are finishing and I have just begun.  Every article you read says, ‘ don’t compare!’  How can I not look at the peers around me, man?!  Impossible.   I don’t have the right answer.  I guess this is more of a venting piece of writing than anything else.  Like a journal entry that no one will read.

I am supposed to end with a conclusion but I have no real wisdom to conclude.  Next time you are “feeling blue,” just say your “feeling thirty” and I guarantee you, everyone will understand.

Thoughts on Social Media in Today’s World.

Millie:  Ugh…this life….I just want it to be simpler.

Me: Not with all this technology.

Millie: I don’t know if that’s helping or hurting.

Me:  It’s too much knowledge, that is actually hurting us.  Social media is the biggest disaster.

Millie: Yea, I agree with that.

Me: That’s why i cant do it with the IG and FB, I shouldn’t know about whats going on with people who add no value to me and no one should get free access to my life.  You earn that by being someone special or close to me.  Social media leaves you without a guard up, in turn, there is no value on building on a relationship because you don’t need to make the effort.  For example, my mother would be satisfied by seeing my pictures, knowing my status updates and would never feel the need to miss me or feel like she’s missing something.  Why would I give the ease of justifying her negligence?  Same thing with any relationship.

Millie:  I guess i never thought of it that way.  I was just thinking in terms of providing more opportunities for people to be sneaky assholes.

Me:  The problem i feel with today’s society is… there are no boundaries, no secrets and abundance of opportunities to get information you’re looking for without ever having to go to the source and that goes for anything.  Someone might be IN LOVE WITH YOU, look at your pics everyday, knows everything about you but you will never know because he doesn’t need to tell you,  He can just click here and click there.  Without this shit.. men cud be gentlemen, women would be mysterious and you wouldn’t know about the last 10 years of exes!

Millie:  You just made shit real.  lol

Me:  It’s sad but true, that’s why i choose to stay out of sight.

Me: That’s why in the past, such as, I could get a random text asking me how I was doing and have an hour-long conversation about what I am up to from someone i don’t see and has no idea what i have actually been up too who might tell me I am pretty because that’s how he or she remembers me not because of the images i forced on someone’s feed.

Millie:  i have zero argument for your points. lol

Me:  lol

Millie:  They’re all 100% spot on.

Me:  I think about this stuff a lot.

Millie: I’ve never considered that and i don’t think that many people ever have.

Me:  Lol.  No one thinks of that!!!  Because society wants you to believe that social media unites people but it only gives them more of reason to never go beyond mediocre to get what they want,   if something is easy, you’re not winning,  you’re cheating somewhere and there are always repercussions

Millie: You need to post this theory somewhere.

Me: My blog?  No one will listen, no one wants to believe that, everyone wants life to be just that simple.

Millie: I just think it needs to be out there, write it on a piece of paper and staple it to a telephone pole.  You know, to further make your point. lol

Millie: I think they’re such good points and I’ve never heard anyone speak about social media that way.

Me:  Really??

Millie: Yea.  Like I’ve heard reasons why its bad but never those reasons.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

If you could fast forward to a specific date in the future, when would it be?  Photographers, artists, poets: show us FORWARD.

via Daily Prompt: Fast Forward.

I don’t know why anyone would want to rush time to the future.  If I could do anything about time, I would slow it down and cherish each moment the way I know I that should every time I look back on my past.

If you fast forward to a specific date, you will have arrived in the present time and will constantly be running towards the next moment without enjoying the present one.

Children don’t rush to be adults.  Adults don’t rush to your next phase.  Seniors don’t rush to your death.  If we all take a minute and slow down, you might realize why we should.

 

Video

Tyrese Gibson – Compartmentalization Part 2 (Must Watch) “LOYALTY HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE”

Part 2 from Tyrese Gibson. Words of wisdom about taking control of your own life. What’s on your menu? Do you like what is served at your table or will you send it back? It is always your choice. You need to change your mind to change your life! Preach!